The Joke Thread

[MWRed]

Never Argue with a Woman!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.


Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.


'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'


'Yes, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.


'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'


'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

[thepizzaman]

Never Argue with a Woman!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.


Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.


'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'


'Yes, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.


'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'


'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

very nice one :D

 

[lil domii]

Never Argue with a Woman!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.


Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.


'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'


'Yes, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.


'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'


'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

i would tell that to a friend but it's to long to remember and say out loud :D

 

[whs]

son: why is daddy zigzagging on the lawn?
mom: shut up and keep shooting

And here is a good one from radio Yerewan:

Listener: is it possible to make love whilst running?
Radio Yerewan: in principle yes, problem is that women run faster with skirt up than men with pants down.

 

[MWRed]

Listener: is it possible to make love whilst running?
Radio Yerewan: in principle yes, problem is that women run faster with skirt up than men with pants down.

Haha....gotta remember that one.

 

[d3aths3rver]

Do you like fishsticks,
other person: yes
do you like putting fishdicks in your mouth?
other person: yes
Then you're a gay fish!
(thanks south park)

 

[whs]

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days...........​

"When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a ​

dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' ​

bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf ​

a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now. ​

Too many damm security cameras."​

 

[Martee]

Never Argue with a Woman

Wow, that's excellent, MWRed... have to remember that. :D

 

[whs]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?"I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of a couple of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your Butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

 

[lil domii]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

​

​

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds". Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?"I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of a couple of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece
of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your Butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.Stupid, stupid man

 

[Martee]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Well, another good one...D:D

 

[echrada]

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a s w a n k y costume party. The Mrs got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

 

[Joan Archer]

 

[BeeJay]

What do you call a man with a 1 inch penis?

Justin :D

 

[MWRed]

Ok, I know the whole Tiger Woods thing has been beaten into the ground, and i'm soooo sick of hearing it.......but here goes anyway. (Ya knew these were going to start coming sooner or later.)

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[dreemwarrior]

lol

(I hope this doesn't fall under Gen. rule #7) :D

 

[jellyforce]

What do you call a man with a 1 inch penis?

Justin :D

lol XD

---------------- Now playing: Silverstein - American Dream via FoxyTunes

 

[MWRed]

New Years Resolutions

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

I won't worry so much.

I will cut my hair.

I will grow my hair.

I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!

I will be more imaginative.

I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

 

[pacinitaly]

blonde jokes ....again

Subject: Blonde Jokes





Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
> blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida
> or the moon?'
>
> The other blonde turns and says 'halloo, can you see Florida ?????'
>
>
>
>
> CAR TROUBLE
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> She says, 'What's the story?'
> He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
> She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
>
>
>
>
> SPEEDING TICKET
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
> he could see her license.
> She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
> yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
> to you!'
>
>
> RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
> blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-ho o!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the
> other side?'
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
> back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
>
>
> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
> body hurt wherever she touched it.
> 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
> then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more... She pushed her knee
> and screamed;
> likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
> her scream.
> The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
> 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
> 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
>
>
> KNITTING
> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
> &n bsp; wheel was knitting!
> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
> trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL
> OVER!'
> 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
>

>
> BLONDE ON THE SUN
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
> said, 'We were the first in space!'
> The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
> The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
> The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
> heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
> Russian.
> To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going
> at night!'
>

>
> IN A VACUUM
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
> rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If
> you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
> She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
>

>
> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
> asked her what their names were... The blonde responded by saying that one
> was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard
> of someone naming dogs like that?'
> 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

 

[lil domii]

Re: blonde jokes ....again

Subject: Blonde Jokes





Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
> blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida
> or the moon?'
>
> The other blonde turns and says 'halloo, can you see Florida ?????'
>
>
>
>
> CAR TROUBLE
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> She says, 'What's the story?'
> He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
> She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
>
>
>
>
> SPEEDING TICKET
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
> he could see her license.
> She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
> yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
> to you!'
>
>
> RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
> blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-ho o!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the
> other side?'
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
> back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
>
>
> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
> body hurt wherever she touched it.
> 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
> then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more... She pushed her knee
> and screamed;
> likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
> her scream.
> The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
> 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
> 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
>
>
> KNITTING
> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
> &n bsp; wheel was knitting!
> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
> trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL
> OVER!'
> 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
>

>
> BLONDE ON THE SUN
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
> said, 'We were the first in space!'
> The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
> The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
> The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
> heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
> Russian.
> To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going
> at night!'
>

>
> IN A VACUUM
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
> rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If
> you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
> She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
>

>
> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
> asked her what their names were... The blonde responded by saying that one
> was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard
> of someone naming dogs like that?'
> 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

This was on SevenForums, just love them XD