The Joke Thread

[JMH]

Good to have you back again Norm.

 

[Joan Archer]

Nice one Norm were have you been hiding

 

[pacinitaly]

Google has offered a free internet service:

Welcome to Google TiSP

 

[pacinitaly]

I'll never order pizza from this place:

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

 

[pacinitaly]

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country, and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.



A Few Interesting Anagrams
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL’S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ‘ M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no
letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

 

[Everlong]

Google has offered a free internet service:

Welcome to Google TiSP

I remember seeing that on April fools day a few years ago, thought it was great haha!

 

[NormCameron]

​

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Some Days Aren't Worth[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Getting Out Of Bed[/FONT]​

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring
Cut off from his willy.

According to the attending Nurse, the girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him,
she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his willy while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring
Got on your willy.
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your Wedding Ring ! ​

 

[garysgold]

 

[Joan Archer]

 

[KV43]

THINK before you speak... ​

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - ​

the last one is great! ​

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could ​

immediately take the words back... ​

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... ​

​

FIRST TESTIMONY: ​

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and ​

three kids in tow and asked loudly, ​

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j * b?" ​

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. ​

My husband didn't say a word... ​

he knew better. ​

​

SECOND TESTIMONY: ​

​

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. ​

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. ​

After browsing for several minutes, ​

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen ​

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. ​

Without thinking, I looked at him and said , ​

"I think I like playing with men's balls." ​

​

THIRD TESTIMONY: ​

​

My sister and I were at the mall and ​

passed by a store that sold a ​

variety of candy and nuts. ​

As we were looking at the display case, ​

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. ​

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." ​

My sister started to laugh hysterically. ​

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. ​

To this day, my sister has never let me forget. ​

​

FOURTH TESTIMONY : ​

​

While in line at the bank one afternoon, ​

my toddler decided to release ​

some pent-up energy and ran amok. ​

I was finally able to grab hold of ​

her after receiving looks of disgust ​

and annoyance from other patrons. ​

I told her that if she did not start behaving ​

"right now" she would be punished. ​

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and ​

said in a voice just as threatening, ​

"If you don't let me go right now, ​

I will tell Grandma that I saw you ​

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" ​

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. ​

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. ​

I mustered up the last of my dignity and ​

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. ​

The last thing I heard as ​

the door closed behind me, ​

were screams of laughter. ​

​

FIFTH TESTIMONY: ​

​

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? ​

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training ​

and I was on him constantly ​

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch ​

in between errands. ​

It was very busy, with a full dining room. ​

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, ​

so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, ​

and she was clean. ​

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. ​

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". ​

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, ​

and I don't have any clean clothes with me." ​

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" ​

"No," he replied. ​

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, ​

because the smell was getting worse. ​

So, I asked one more time, ​

"Danny, did you have an accident?" ​

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, ​

bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ​

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" ​

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, ​

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. ​

An older couple made me feel better, ​

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! ​

​

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: ​

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days ​

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, ​

in the future, likely think before she speaks. ​

What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? ​

We had a female news anchor who, ​

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, ​

turned to the weatherman and asked: ​

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" ​

Not only did HE have to leave the set, ​

but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard! ​

 

[KV43]

A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

 

[JMH]

What a beauty!!!

 

[KV43]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3,6, & 12!
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health
class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why
are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then, who are
these for? “Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO
for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then, who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

 

[Fastboy42]

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

 

[Fastboy42]

PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN
It Still Does Nothing

APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI
System Can't See It

DOS
Defective Operating System

BASICBill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM
I Blame Microsoft

DEC
Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW
World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

 

[MWRed]

At a theater, the usher approaches a man who has stretched out over three seats and asks him to sit up.
The man simply looks at him and says, "Uhhhh."


The usher asks again, and again the man says back to him, "Uhhhh."
The usher warns the man that he'll have to get the manager and there would be a good chance he'd be asked to leave. The man doesn't seem to care and again replies, "Uhhh."


So, the usher brings the manager over, and after several attempts to get the man to comply, the manager decides to call the police. A cop shows up and says to the guy, "Look, they've been asking you nicely to sit up and make room for other people, why are you being so stubborn?"


The guy stares at the cop and says, "Uhhh." The cop says, "Okay, buddy that's it. I'm going to kick you out of here. Now, where are you from, anyway?"

The guy replies, "Balcony… "

 

[Everlong]

Two sperm are swimming next to each other. One asks to the other, "So, how far have we go to go until the ovaries?"

The other replies, "We got miles, mate. We only just passed the tonsils."

 

[Gamemaster2237]

A women walks into a bar and sees a man drinking beer

women asks "sir what is that you`re drinking?"

the man replys "ITs my 'magic' beer that makes me fly."

The man jumps out the windows and flys around the city

The women then drinks the 'magical' beer and jumps out the window

The bar tender tellS the man "SUPERMAN YOUR AN ASS WHEN YOUR DRUNK"

 

[Friedebarth]

Economic Models explained with Cows
​

• SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

• COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

• FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

• NAZISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

• BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

• TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

• SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

• ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

• AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force theother to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

• A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

• A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty
times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

• A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

• AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

• AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

• A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

• A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

• A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

• A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
One is mad the other has foot and mouth.

• AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….

• AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

• A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A bit too promoting of capitalism for my taste. Also, you say communism but what I suppose you mean is stalinism.

 

[Friedebarth]

The funniest and wittiest answers 2006

3. An engineer named John once walked into a technical and computer store. He walked up to one og the employees and asked for a u-tube.

Unfortunately, the guy belonged to the computer department, and just returned from the repository. Passing by, the employee said: "Sorry sir, I'm afraid we're out of video platforms!"

2. A high school student sits in class, the teacher enters, the students stand up... ...and all of that procedure.

The teacher said: "This term's topic is going to be all about bionic architecture. Today, we will concentrate on craters."

The student calls out without putting his hands up: "Now what on earth does that have to do with geography?"

The teacher answers: "Repeat that question, and then write me a fivehundred word essay on how you managed to answer that same question yourself before you even finished asking it!"


AND THE FUNNIEST OF ALL:


1. A woman named Ivory Jones called the teleshopping channel which her ex-husband moderated, came through and yelled into the speaker: "You're a bastard, John!" Then, she hung up.

"Ah, yes," answered the moderator, "and you're a f*ckin b*tch with no hobbies and a sl*t as a mother!"

He better shouldn't have, because, apart from Ivory not even hearing his messenge, he was also fired the day after.