The Joke Thread

[KV43]

We are in DEEP trouble...


The population of this country is














approximately 60 million.






32 million are retired.


That leaves 28 million to do the work.



There are 17 million in school or at Universities.



Which leaves 11 million to do the work.


Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.



Leaving 3 million to do the work.




1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan , etc ...



Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.




Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.






At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.



Leaving 512,000 to do the work.





Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the work.




You and me.




And there you are,




Sitting on your arse,




At your computer, reading jokes.



Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

 

[garysgold]

And that's just where I'm going to stay, so you better get going.


Good one. :D

 

[NormCameron]

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas ..
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,
he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over.

'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time ,
'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?''
'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!''

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Norm

 

[pacinitaly]

I think The population of this country is 300 million USA






sorry, I just read your post again KV43 scotland

 

[Martee]

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Norm

Nice one Norm. Cheers...

 

[pacinitaly]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Mac?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Your computer?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Mac?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: What about Windows?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you
have?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Office.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: I just did.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: You just did what?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Recommend something.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: You recommended something?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Yes.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: For my office?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Yes.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Office.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Word.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: What word?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Word in Office.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers! What about financial. You have anything I can track my
money?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Money.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Money.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Money.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: One copy.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Microsof t gave us a license to copy Money.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]A few days later . . . . . . .
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, Monospaced]ABBOTT: Click on "START" !!!!! [/FONT]

 

[dinesh]

hahaha

 

[Joan Archer]

 

[JMH]

Very good pacinitaly.
Like your signature too.:D

 

[pacinitaly]

Thanks my friends !!
I got lots but I'm sure younger members have HIP stuff to share

 

[Nominativ]

How old are you :P? I'm just 13 ><

 

[JMH]

I didn't check if this has already appeared. Anyway here goes - ​

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. ​

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the a***hole - and they are interchangeable'

 

[KV43]

An old man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

 

[KV43]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest off-licence and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

 

[KV43]

A drunk is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, i am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, i haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?'
(Are you ready for this????)





The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

 

[JMH]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest off-licence and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

That's the truth!
[Liked your other two as well.]

 

[Joan Archer]

That's for the drunk one KV

 

[NormCameron]

I
I called the Swine Flu hotline … all I got was crackling
I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.
Another is that you get the trotts.
But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?
The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of Oinkment.
I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.
News Flash . This just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of “The Aporkalypse.”
Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.
I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then, isn’t it?
This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild Ham-demic, don't believe the spam you're getting

 

[NormCameron]

Male Friend Needs Technical Support

Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??

 

[NormCameron]

Dear Norm
Thank your for the heads up on possible conflicts in a system between the various versions of Girlfriend and Wife v1.0. I must say that I have been running a number of pirated versions of Girlfriend, and also my legit copy of Wife v1.0 on my System for many years and had no compatibility problems. I found it to be simply a question of efficient resource management. The trick is to install each version of Girlfriend on a separate partition, and maintain a separate hidden Drive for Girlfriend v1.0 thru v4.00. This system has always worked well for me provided I regularly upgraded my Memory and over clocked my CPU and RAM.
Unfortunately my System has now crashed. Recently my partner brought home MotherinLaw V1.000. It seems it was previously installed on an unstable System, and my partner, anxious to get get it working properly, installed it into my Operating System. Big mistake. MotherinLaw v1.000 purports to be a System Cleaner, and my partner was concerned my System was not operating properly. But it is in reality SPYWARE and MALWARE of the very worst kind. As soon as it was installed and activated it scanned my system and located the various partitions where I had installed each version of Girlfriend. It also detected my hidden Drive, upgraded memory and the over clocking of my CPU. It also located a number of Trojans, I was unaware of, in my on-line storage. MotherinLaw then proceeded, with no warning, to reconfigure my System. It deleted all my Restore Points and erased numerous files on my Hard Drive. This created a very unstable Operating System The resultant System Crash was catastrophic. Wife v1.0 automatically uninstalled itself and as it did, it purged all my Registry settings. As a result I was unable to reactivate any version of Girlfriend. I have no alternative now but to reinstall a new Operating System, the latest version of Wife, and, find a compatible version of Girlfriend, In other words, start from scratch.
Under no circumstances should you ever install or activate the Spyware program MotherinLaw.