The Joke Thread

[KV43]

A 70-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 70-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
'Well, doc,
it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Karen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she
even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[garysgold]

 

[JimJoe]

Re: The Farting Lady

The one I heard was a litle old lady was riding on the town bus.

The bus stopped and a big biker dude got on and sat next to her. He was polite, made no nasty remarks or anything. The other passengers and the bus driver all calmed down.

Part way to the next stop, a large fart rips out.

The biker says, in a loud stage whisper that can be heard all over the bus, 'Hey lady, don't say anything, and the other passengers will think I did it.".

 

[Martee]

 

[DhyaniHemant]

Hello!

A husband was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of the head with a huge frying pan.
"What the heck was that for!" he asked.
She replies, "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it..."
"Oh, dear, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Well, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I placed a bet on."
The explanation seems to appease her, and she leaves the room to go about her business.
Three days later, the man is again sitting in his chair reading the morning paper. His wife abruptly hangs up the telephone and then whacks him on the back of the head with the huge frying pan.
"What the heck did", the husband screamed.
She replies "Your horse just called".

 

[kavita]

Don't lie!!!!

Kyle's Dad brought home a robot one day.

The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied. Kyle returned late from school

Dad asked, Son why are you late from school?


Dad, we had extra classes today, the robot slapped Kyle on his face.


Dad shouted, "come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"

Dad, I went to see the movie Ten Commandments,
Kyle got another slap from the robot.

Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Sexy Queen".


"Shame on you son, when I was your age, I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved",........ immediately, he gets a hot slap on the face from the robot.


Kyle's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband… "After all, he's your son!"
the robot steps up and slaps Kyle's mom .
View attachment 12940

 

[Everlong]

Haha!

 

[kavita]

HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE..?


One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!




Dear Bo$$


In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$ t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need $ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $ upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $ oon.



Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:




Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .


NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNO mists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNO ther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad .


I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .


Yours truly,
Manager
View attachment 12942

 

[dinesh]

Why English is a MUST for all Cricketers!!

-Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepare for some standard questions that are asked to them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony. Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always used his standard response to the first question after winning.

But this time.....

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time and u must be happy!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e- Rehman-e- Rahim! All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort. Insha Allah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time and will be able to REPEAT the same result.


Tony fainted!

 

[KV43]

A couple go out for a meal at a Chinese restaurant in the city and
order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid
slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before
it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what
is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies,
"Chicken Surprise."




Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

 

[dinesh]

Swine flu after-effects...so be carefull.....

 

[dinesh]

* A pregnant lady went to an astrologer.

Astrologer: When u deliverthe baby, baby's father will die.

Lady: Thank god! My husband is safe!

 

[dinesh]

* A cute Nurse came 4 the interview.

Dr: What salary U Xpect?

Nurse: Rs.10,000/-

Dr was overjoyed & said: My Pleasure.

Nurse: Sir, with your pleasure it will be Rs.25,000/-

 

[K1K1D33]

Why are Blonde jokes so short?



So men can remember them.

---touche`mon ami, c'est tres vrai---
peace

 

[KV43]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.



Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'


He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'

 

[KV43]

Why are wedding dresses white?
IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!
IT'S EVEN A BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT !!!!!!!

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white."

 

[garysgold]

[FONT=&quot]As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."[/FONT]

 

[Joan Archer]

Nice one Gary.

 

[smarteyeball]

Oldie but a goodie:

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

 

[Joan Archer]

I hadn't seen that one