The Joke Thread

[JimJoe]

My sister has one:

An expresionless 'You're funny.', then she smiles. Showing her teeth. Its the kind of smile you see a leopardess or lioness give just before you are dismembered.

I don't need to define that...

 

[KV43]

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

 

[Jerin]

 

[KV43]

---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
....................................................................

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

​

 

[garysgold]

 

[KV43]

how many forum members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
10 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
5 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
3 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
3 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
12 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
13 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
9 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
5 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
11 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Total .. 177 aint we a clever bunch of people

 

[KV43]

A Blonde wife calls her husband and says ,
'I've run out of petrol, and I'm scared to fill up because of swine flu'.

Hubby says 'You daft ****, it's in Mexico, not Texico!!'

 

[Everlong]

Lmao

 

[pacinitaly]

how many forum members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
10 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
5 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
3 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
3 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
12 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
13 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
9 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
5 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
11 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Total .. 177 aint we a clever bunch of people

2 funny

 

[ripbox]

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the a-pork-alypse!

 

[apocalypticgirl]

The Hotel Bill...

The next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston . After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use..

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the manager replies.

No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

 

[pacinitaly]

I love it, I love it...

 

[Martee]

Great one. :D

 

[MWRed]

Good, Good....very good.

 

[garysgold]

Good one.

 

[KV43]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you' ve caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piddle out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

 

[MWRed]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you' ve caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piddle out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

Too easy to visualize the whole situation.
It'd be great to be there when that happens.

 

[KV43]

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in
Glasgow .

"I hear tell all you Scotch people are real hard
drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know
what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky
one after the other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."

No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!

"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!"
the American says disgustedly.

A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says
"Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"

"Sure as hell is!"says the American and orders a line up
of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing
back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American.

The American of course tries to do it as well,
but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the
$500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did
you go before you (hic!) came back
in again."

"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the
bills,

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah
could dae it!"

 

[DhyaniHemant]

The Farting Lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

:D​

 

[KV43]

New inventions by blondes.
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat