The Joke Thread

[Nominativ]

Haha nice one smarteyeball

 

[Martee]

oldie but a goodie:
'daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

 

[Everlong]

>A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely >made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an
> envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
> It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the
> envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
> 'Dear, Mum.
> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
> elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
> with Dad and you.
> I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
> knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her >tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
> But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
> Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
> woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
> We share a dream of having many more children.
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
> hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
> the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
> In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
> so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
> Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
> Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many >grandchildren.
> Love, your son, Jackson.
>
> "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
> I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
> the school report that's on my desk"
>
> I love you!

 

[vdel14]

I saw a sign that read "Need help?! Call Jesus 1800-555-4516" so I did. And a damn Mexican showed up with a lawn mower.

Hope this isn't too over the top?

 

[dinesh]

I saw a sign that read "Need help?! Call Jesus 1800-555-4516" so I did. And a damn Mexican showed up with a lawn mower.

Hope this isn't too over the top?

 

[garysgold]

>
> "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
> I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
> the school report that's on my desk"
>
> I love you!

Wish I'd a thought of that 45 years ago.

 

[dinesh]

A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a
flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.
They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole
thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over,
pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end
to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.


After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs."
See this idiot. We're looking for height and he gives the length!"

Moral: "No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in
you".

 

[pacinitaly]

A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a
flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.
They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole
thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over,
pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end
to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.


After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs."
See this idiot. We're looking for height and he gives the length!"

Moral: "No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in
you".

soooooooooooooo true

 

[ssur]

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.


The Problem was who should get custody of the child.


The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.


The child Should be in my custody."


The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"


The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...


Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

 

[ssur]

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

 

[NormCameron]

[FONT=&quot]On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]So God agreed.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] And God agreed.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] And God agreed again.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Life has now been explained to you.[/FONT]

Live Long and Prosper

 

[JMH]

Re 'Life has now been explained to you.''
[Very good, although I can't say that I am going to 'enjoy' some of what lies ahead.]


Welcome back to the 'flying kangaroo' again.

 

[Joan Archer]

Nice one Norm, although I've seen one similar to it.:D

It's nice to see you back here as well we've missed you, hope it's not been through illness that you've been missing

 

[NormCameron]

Thank you all!

 

[pacinitaly]

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

• A "don't remind me again" button.
• Minimize button.
• Ability to delete the "headache" file
• An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!! For a follow-up to this saga, see Male Friend Needs Technical Support.

 

[pacinitaly]

If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS AIR All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of AS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
VMS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors! UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

 

[skunksmash]

Thank you all!

hello norm...... been a while mate




SK

 

[KV43]

Thank you all!

Hey norm good to see you back , been missing your jokes :D

 

[NormCameron]

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

• A "don't remind me again" button.
• Minimize button.
• Ability to delete the "headache" file
• An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!! For a follow-up to this saga, see Male Friend Needs Technical Support.

RFLMAO, What a ripper Joke

Norm

 

[KV43]

A man walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer.

He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business

for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.



The bank officer tells him that the bank

will
need some form of security for the loan,

so the Glasgow lad hands over the keys

and documents of new Ferrari parked

on the street in front of the bank.

He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept

the car as collateral for the loan.



The bank's Manager and its officers

all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Glaswegian

for using a £120,000
Ferrari

as collateral against a £5000 loan.

An employee of the bank then

drives the Ferrari into the bank's

underground garage and parks it there.



Two weeks later, the Glaswegian returns,

repays the £5,000 and the interest,

which comes to £15.41.

The loan officer says,

"Sir, we are very happy
to have had your business,

and this transaction has worked out very nicely,

but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away,

we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Glaswegian replies:



"Where else in Glasgow
can I park my car

for two weeks for only £15.41

and expect it to be there when I return'"




​