The Joke Thread

[chaosrealm93]

a hacker

 

[ridindrty]

A young girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

 

[yuchen89]

The wife is helping the husband put a new a password into a computer. The husband puts MY PENIS as the password. The computer replies - Too short and not strong enough.

=)

 

[pacinitaly]

The wife is helping the husband put a new a password into a computer. The husband puts MY PENIS as the password. The computer replies - Too short and not strong enough.

=)

 

[yuchen89]

The wife is helping the husband put a new a password into a computer. The husband puts MY PENIS as the password. The computer replies - Too short and not strong enough.

=)

D

 

[BlueDancer]

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[yuchen89]

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

hhahah

 

[derekimo]

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

That's great BlueDancer!

 

[BlueDancer]

Thanks. This is one of my favourites.


How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps! ...


Interested in the blogging scene? Confused how to go about setting up your very own blog? Follow these fifty-one easy steps and you'll be a blogger in no time! ...

1. Find a free blogging service, such as www.blogger.com ...

2. Register a catchy yet philosophically deep name for your new blog: "lifesucks"; "All Things Me"; "Lifehacker"; "Playing With Matches"; "The Internet Slacker", "I Stalk David Hasselhoff".

3. Consider one of the many pre-made website templates offered by the logging service, or one created by you.

4. Turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of using a pre-made template for your blog.

5. Spend the next seventeen hours creating a functioning website from scratch. If using Microsoft FrontPageTM, relocate all children and elders to a safe area out of your "profanity zone".

6. Complete your self-made blog template by clicking on the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM.

7. Watch in shock as the aforementioned seventeen hours of hard work gets permanently deleted off your hard drive by Microsoft FrontPageTM.

8. Swear so loudly all dogs within a five block radius begin running in circles and howling.

9. Declare "Screw It" and choose from a pre-made template. Always choose one with lots of kittens and flashing animated gifs.

10. Make sure the template is ready for your first blog entry. You can do this by going to your new blog's URL address and seeing if the page loads properly. It will have no posts yet, of course, as you have not actually written your first blog entry. (If you do see a post written by yourself at this specific moment in time, read it! You've traveled back in time to warn yourself about the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM).

11. Click on the "Create Post" selection. The window will reload with a box for you to type text in.

12. Put fingers to keyboard in preparation to type your first blog entry.

13. Realize in horror that you have absolutely no idea what you're going to write about.

14. And you've got a whole blog ahead of you.

15. Stand up and get an alcoholic beverage to calm you.

16. Pace back and forth while racking your brain for a great post.

17. Cast resentful looks at your computer monitor while drinking the alcoholic beverage.

18. Come up with a touching yet funny childhood memory you can write about, like when you and all the other fat kids in the neighborhood used to take down the ice cream man not unlike a pack of lions ravaging a wounded gazelle.

19. Or, make your first post about how much you love pets. Remark on the fact that you let your pet pit bull out of the house every night to get some freedom and exercise even though the sirens from the ambulances tearing through your neighborhood constantly interrupt your sleep.

20. Or, make a heartfelt confession about how guilty you feel that you could never be a vegetarian because you salivate every time a nature documentary appears on the television.

21. Sit back down at your computer desk with your great idea.

22. Complete your first post.

23. Experience a fleeting sense of satisfaction that you now have a blog with an actual entry, even though it details your sexual attraction to Yoda.

24. Immediately phone all your friends and family to tell them the URL. Remind your grandmother that 'stiffwoodysdiary' in your blog's address is spelled "all one word".

25. Reload your blog incessantly every two minutes to see if anyone has made a comment.

26. Become enraged when the very first comment made on your very first blog entry is "yuo are teh sUxx0r!" from Anonymous

27. Go outdoors to calm down and get some fresh air, since you've spent twenty-two hours now working on your blog.

28. Tell every person you encounter - jogger, police officer, frantic paramedic - your blog's URL.

29. Head back home when an idea for a blog entry comes to mind, such as the rudeness of paramedics who can't be bothered to talk about your blog because they are busy helping some whiner with pitbull bite wounds on his throat.

30. When back at your computer, immediately refresh your blog's page to see if any more comments were made while you were gone.

31. Grip the edge of your computer desk when the second comment reads "I said yuo are teh sUxx0r!" by Anonymous

32. Click on the "make new post" button on your blog.

33. Realize with horror you've totally forgotten the good writing idea.

34. Stand up and get another drink.

35. Sit back down at your computer desk.

36. Write your second post: how people who make dumb comments on blogs should be strung up by their genitals with barbed wire.

37. Complete the second post.

38. Stand up and get a third drink to calm you down from the blogging experience.

39. Watch TV while thinking you shouldn't watch so much television since experiencing life would probably make for a blog that's actually interesting to read. By going out more, you'll be able to continue to spread the address of your blog to bemused strangers, too.

40. Accept phone call from your grandmother asking you to change 'stiffwoody' in your blog's name to something more polite.

41. Refuse and hang up phone.

42. On the way back to the television, refresh your blog's page again to see if there are any more comments.

43. Experience relief when third comment is a non-abusive one. Become incredibly depressed when you discover it is written by a fellow blogger asking if you ever fantasize about wearing lederhosen while flailing midgets with kielbasa sausage, and if you'd like to meet up with him for same.

44. Stand up and get a much larger, stronger drink.

45. Consider making your third post. Repeat verbal declaration made in step #9, forget blogging for now, go to bed.

46. Just before you fall asleep, realize with horror you'll need to repeat steps #11 to #45 daily to keep your bragging rights about owning a blog (which, ironically, nobody reads).

47. Slip into an uneasy nightmare about being forced to type the word "sUxx0r" on a flaming keyboard while chained to Jabba the Hutt, who keeps demanding "More! More! Jakatooie Blogga Dooie! More!!!"

48. Wake up in the morning. Scream.

49. Read the new comments posted on your blog. Scream again.

50. Repeat for the rest of your life.

51. Welcome To Blogging!

 

[MWRed]

Not sure if any of the following were posted before or not, but here they are anyway.

An airliner is flying across country, when the pilot comes on the PA to announce, "we have some bad news. One of the engines just failed and as a result, we will be delayed by 30 minutes."

A bit later, the pilot returns, "we have some more bad news. Another engine just failed, and we will be delayed an additional hour."

Another bit later, "Sorry folks, more bad news. A third engine just failed, and so, since we will be running only on the one remaining engine, the flight will be delayed by another two hours."

At this point, a disgruntled passenger turns to his neighbor and says, "I sure hope that last engine keeps working or else we'll be up here all night!"

 

[MWRed]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[MWRed]

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

 

[MWRed]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[Avkslpfa]

Tiger Wood's Jokes

What does Tiger Woods and Seals have in Common ? Both get clubbed by Norweigans !



What's the difference between a golf ball and an SUV? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.



Why did Tiger hit a tree then a fire hydrant? He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.



What's the difference between a wedge and a car? Tiger can back-up his wedge game.



Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.



Someone said Tiger's wife was a bit teed off.



New movie title: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant"



That's the shortest drive Tiger has made in years.

 

[JimJoe]

Some years ago when I was a teenager, my dad got transferred and we flew a very long distance over to Europe.

As we get out over the Atlantic Ocean, the stewardess, yes this took place that long ago, were serving food and drinks.

I noticed that as one stewardess, who was taking drink orders, came down the isle, the men would blush. she would smile, and go to the next set of seats.

I noticed the low cut blouse, and took a peek.

Just above her cleavage was some tape.

And on that tape was written the word 'Boo !'.

I blushed, and bowed. ( placed my right hand on my chest and dipped my head and shoulders.)

She winked, curtseyed, and after taking my order for a soda, went on to the next row of seats.

I didn't have to pay for my soda.

 

[DonnaB]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

[JaidynM]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[MWRed]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

 

[MWRed]

(No offense to anyone)

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street and see a twenty dollar bill lying on the sidewalk. Guess who picks it up?
The dumb blonde - The other two don't exist.

 

[MWRed]

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."

Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.