The Joke Thread

[ssur]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you "the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too"

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

 

[MWRed]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you "the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too"

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

yeah, that one is great. :D

 

[Ashvin Busviah]

Have tried turning it off and on again?

 

[Ashvin Busviah]

Is it plugged in? lol

 

[Shadowjk]

Roes are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet and so are you, But the roses are dieing, The violets are dead, The sugar is lumpy, And so is your head!

 

[Chase]

Have tried turning it off and on again?

Is it plugged in? lol

What?..

lol.

 

[Tnuh555]

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Red head were stranded on an Island 10 miles off shore. The Red head swam 3 miles and Drowned. The Brunette swam 5 miles and Drowned. The Blonde swam 9 miles and got tired, so she swam back.

 

[Chase]

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Red head were stranded on an Island 10 miles off shore. The Red head swam 3 miles and Drowned. The Brunette swam 5 miles and Drowned. The Blonde swam 9 miles and got tired, so she swam back.

Never heard that one, and I thought I had heard all the "blonde" jokes. lol.

 

[reptoslicer]

Now that is a classic.

 

[MWRed]

Not a joke, but still funny. Just imagine if someone really sent something like this for a wedding invitation....

 

[Shadowjk]

Grandma's letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

"Dear Grandson DILLIGAF

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.


So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that
the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the GUY behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of
God! '

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I Just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign right back .

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away..

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma"

 

[Jillian]

A hillbilly couple walks out of divorce court and the wife is crying her heart out. The husband says... Shut up, we're still cousins.
__________________

 

[Chase]

A hillbilly couple walks out of divorce court and the wife is crying her heart out. The husband says... Shut up, we're still cousins.
__________________

 

[kath3]

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender "! Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.

 

[chaosrealm93]

xD nice one

 

[Chase]

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender "! Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.

 

[asullivan]

Somebody say cue ball ????​

 

[pacinitaly]

A white-haired older man ?named Mike?walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side. ?
? ? ?



He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he ?said..?

On Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know,"?said Mike,?"but let me tell you about my weekend!"


All Seniors Aren't Senile​

 

[Jillian]

joe-ks.com
Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee's “Will” or won't she?



Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There's trouble still...

You cain't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.”

But Mama knew and said, “My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy!”

 

[Chase]

What do you call a person who doesn't no scope in Halo?