The Joke Thread

Re: blonde jokes ....again

Subject: Blonde Jokes





Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
> blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida
> or the moon?'
>
> The other blonde turns and says 'halloo, can you see Florida ?????'
>
>
>
>
> CAR TROUBLE
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> She says, 'What's the story?'
> He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
> She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
>
>
>
>
> SPEEDING TICKET
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
> he could see her license.
> She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
> yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
> to you!'
>
>
> RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
> blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-ho o!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the
> other side?'
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
> back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
>
>
> AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
> body hurt wherever she touched it.
> 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
> The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
> then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more... She pushed her knee
> and screamed;
> likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
> her scream.
> The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
> 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
> 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
>
>
> KNITTING
> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
> &n bsp; wheel was knitting!
> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
> trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL
> OVER!'
> 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
>

>
> BLONDE ON THE SUN
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
> said, 'We were the first in space!'
> The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
> The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
> The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
> heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
> Russian.
> To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going
> at night!'
>

>
> IN A VACUUM
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
> rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If
> you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
> She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
>

>
> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
> asked her what their names were... The blonde responded by saying that one
> was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard
> of someone naming dogs like that?'
> 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

This was on SevenForums, just love them XD
 

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What is the best birth control method for really-old seniors?



Nudity.
 

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What's the most useless thing in Grandma's house?



Grandpa's thing.
 

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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time.

She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could
be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...Little Johnny walked up to
the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on
the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out
what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked
him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "But this morning, my sister said she
missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door
shot himself."

-------------------------------------------

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny
was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that
the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got
closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's
testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you
have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that
rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "But then I wouldn't have a siren."
 
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What Men Mean:


Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass

I'm a Romantic = I'm poor

I need you" = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation

You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head

he's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me

I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you

o you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out

Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later

How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now

I have something to tell you = Get tested

I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again

I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk

I think we should just be friends = You're ugly

I've learned a lot from you = Next





Signs You Might Be A Redneck:
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

People hear your car a long time before they see it
 

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These are all great :roflmao:
 

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
 

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 

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A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
 

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Just read this one somewhere. I think it's funny, but it depends on who you are I guess.

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault..."
 

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Dumb redneck jokes...

A redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow.
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.

Down home, folks now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more.
They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

The minimum drinking age down home has been raised to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Down home, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There's tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
 

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OK, her we go again...


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
 

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Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

------------------------------

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
 

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Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

------------------------------

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
OK, her we go again...


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”


490.gif
 

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    I have two monitors! I play Call of Duty: Black Ops & Modern Warfare II - Both on PC. Contact me through my website: ChaseKurry.com
So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that her husband can't get it up like he used to and their sex life is suffering. The doctor asks, "Have you heard of a new drug named Zyban?" The lady says yes, but adds that her husband refuses to take pills of any kind, and certainly won't take anything that "will make him feel like less of a man." The doctor advises the woman to slip it into his morning coffee when he isn't looking. The woman is nervous, but the doctor insists, "it will change your life within a day," so she figures she'd better try it.

A week goes by and the lady shows back up at the doctor's office and the doctor asks her how it went. The lady heaves a tremendous sigh and explains, "I snuck it into his coffee like you said. And, sure enough, within 15 minutes, he cleared off the table, threw me on it and we had the best sex we'd had in 20 years." Perplexed, the doctor asks, "What's wrong with that?" And the lady shakes her head and says, "I don't think I'll be able to show my face at McDonalds again."
 

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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother. ''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''

''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''

''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''

''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''
 

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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother. ''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''

''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''

''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''

''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''

490.gif
 

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    Graphics card(s)
    EVGA nVIDIA GeForce GT 240 512MB DDR5
    Sound Card
    Some Amount of Soundness
    Monitor(s) Displays
    Two Monitors: HP w1907 & Acer P191w
    Screen Resolution
    1440x900 & 1440x900
    Hard Drives
    WD Caviar Blue 500GB
    PSU
    Some Amount of Voltageness
    Case
    Hp Pavilion Elite Case
    Cooling
    Some Amount of Coolingness
    Mouse
    HP: M/N:M-SBQ133
    Keyboard
    HP: Model Number: KB0911
    Internet Speed
    Comcast: 20 MB/S
    Other Info
    I have two monitors! I play Call of Duty: Black Ops & Modern Warfare II - Both on PC. Contact me through my website: ChaseKurry.com
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother. ''Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''

''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''

''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''

''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''

490.gif

Yeah, I like that one a lot.
 

My Computer

System One

  • Manufacturer/Model
    Self Built( I will never "buy" a PC)
    CPU
    AMD Phenom2 XII 560
    Motherboard
    Biostar A780L3L
    Memory
    4GB DDR3-1333
    Graphics card(s)
    xfx 9800 GT
    Sound Card
    Creative X-FI Xtreme Gamer
    Monitor(s) Displays
    AOC 22" Widescreen
    Screen Resolution
    1680x1050
    Hard Drives
    320GB
    Cooling
    2 front, 2 back,one side
    Mouse
    Logitech Wireless LX310
    Keyboard
    Logitech Wireless
    Internet Speed
    18/2 cable
    Other Info
    Opera/Chrome / EPSON Stylus nx420 / Microsoft Security Essentials / CCleaner / Malwarebytes / OpenDNS / Paint.NET / 7-Zip / Windows Live Mail Client
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you "the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too"

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.
 

My Computer

System One

  • Manufacturer/Model
    Self Built( I will never "buy" a PC)
    CPU
    AMD Phenom2 XII 560
    Motherboard
    Biostar A780L3L
    Memory
    4GB DDR3-1333
    Graphics card(s)
    xfx 9800 GT
    Sound Card
    Creative X-FI Xtreme Gamer
    Monitor(s) Displays
    AOC 22" Widescreen
    Screen Resolution
    1680x1050
    Hard Drives
    320GB
    Cooling
    2 front, 2 back,one side
    Mouse
    Logitech Wireless LX310
    Keyboard
    Logitech Wireless
    Internet Speed
    18/2 cable
    Other Info
    Opera/Chrome / EPSON Stylus nx420 / Microsoft Security Essentials / CCleaner / Malwarebytes / OpenDNS / Paint.NET / 7-Zip / Windows Live Mail Client
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