The Joke Thread

Jekyll and Hyde · Oct 27, 2008

Ok here we go:

Two Englishmen in their new soon to open store, just a few shelves up and they are having a cup of tea, one turns to the other and says "I bet any minute now some silly sod will come by and ask us what we are selling" no sooner had the words come out of his mouth an Irishman comes over and says "So what are you selling?" one of the Englishmen turns round and says "We're selling a**holes!" the Irishman then replies "Your doing well then, only two left!!!"

Bare Foot Kid · Oct 27, 2008

Hello Jekyll and Hyde.

That's a good one!

Later

Ted

NormCameron · Oct 27, 2008

Nice one Chris.

Jekyll and Hyde · Oct 27, 2008

Hi there Ted,

Glad you both like it, now if only I could remember my encylopedia of jokes, sadly they are all gone, only the usual Doctor Doctor ones remain and they are'nt worth telling, you know like:

Patient: "Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains"
Doctor: "Oh just pull yourself together"

AvatarOfTheShip · Oct 28, 2008

A policeman, himself a very keen golfer, is called to a homicide where a man has killed his wife by bashing her head in with a nine iron. As he surveys the mess he says to the guy, "How many strokes did this take?" The man, somewhat bemused, says, "about 8". The cop winks at him and says, "Let's call it 5, eh?"

AvatarOfTheShip · Oct 28, 2008

A woman who is about to marry her fiance, a keen golfer, tells him she has a confession to make before their wedding day. "What is it, darling?" he says. "I have to tell you, I... I... I'm a hooker!" "Oh, I see" he says, looking very thoughtful. "Yes, yes, that is a problem. Still, if you change your grip..."

AvatarOfTheShip · Oct 28, 2008

A Hydrogen atom walks into a police station to report a lost electron. The desk sargeant says, "are you sure you've lost it?" "Yes," says the atom, "I'm positive"

AvatarOfTheShip · Oct 28, 2008

A mathematician decides to forsake abstraction and get a real job. He decides to become a fireman. During training, his supervisor takes him into an alley containing a hose, a hydrant, and a dumpster. "Let's say you come into the alley and the dumpster's on fire. What do you do?"
"I connect the hose to the hydrant and use it to put the fire out"
"Excellent. And what if there is no fire?"
"I set the dumpster on fire"
"What! Why?"
"Because then we're in a situation for which we already have a solution"

NormCameron · Oct 28, 2008

AvatarOfTheShip LMAO

Oskari · Nov 2, 2008

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

mansrm81 · Nov 2, 2008

LOL Oskari

Oskari · Nov 2, 2008

Sex Therapy for Seniors
A Green Valley couple, both well into their 80s, go to
a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual
advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's
absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse.

He thanks them for coming in, and then wishes

them good luck. He charges them $50.00 and
he says good bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but again agrees.

This goes on for several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
problems, pays the doctor and then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.....Just
what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out
anything. She's married - we can't go to her house.
I'm married - we can't go to my house. The holiday Inn
charges $98.00.

The Hilton charges $139.00.

We do it here for $50.00, and I get $43.00 back from Medicare.

A little note for Americans: yes, we Aussies have government health insurance (i.e. Medicare)!

mansrm81 · Nov 2, 2008

Another good 1 Oskari

NormCameron · Nov 2, 2008

Oskari, Good one, son. LOL

NormCameron · Nov 5, 2008

Re: "Mobile" Phone

That's what I call a "mobile" Phone

NormCameron · Nov 5, 2008

ther; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-size:10.0pt; mso-ansi-font-size:10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;} @page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 72.0pt 72.0pt 72.0pt; mso-header-margin:36.0pt; mso-footer-margin:36.0pt; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> [FONT=&quot]A Pom and an Aussie are sitting next to each other on a long Flight.

The Pom is thinking that Aussies are so dumb that he could get one over on him easy...

So the Pom asks if the Aussie would like to play a fun game.
The Aussie is tired and just wants to take a nap,
so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Pom persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me only $5 you ask me one,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the Aussie’s attention and to keep the Pom quiet,
agrees to play the game.

The Pom asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'

The Aussie doesn't say a word,
reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the Pom.

Now, it's the Aussie’s turn. He asks the Pom,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The Pom uses his laptop, searches all references.
He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and all the encyclopedias.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Aussie and hands him $500.

The Aussie pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The Pom is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Aussie up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Aussie reaches in his pocket,
hands the Pom $5 and goes back to sleep. [/FONT]

NormCameron · Nov 5, 2008

Joan Archer · Nov 5, 2008

:D I'd seen that one before Norm, but it's still funny. I liked the mobile phone one, I wonder how they explained that to the insurance company :sarc:

NormCameron · Nov 5, 2008

Thanks Joan. Trying to keep them nice.

Grazor · Nov 5, 2008

Hours of fun :D

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