The Joke Thread

xguntherc · Oct 16, 2008

lol.. thats good.. Not bad at all. I like that. Lizard got BIGGG!

NormCameron · Oct 18, 2008

And I'd just given up drinking too.

NormCameron · Oct 19, 2008

ther; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} @font-face {font-family:"Edwardian Script ITC"; panose-1:3 3 3 2 4 7 7 13 8 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:script; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} @font-face {font-family:"Arial Black"; panose-1:2 11 10 4 2 1 2 2 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-size:10.0pt; mso-ansi-font-size:10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;} @page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 72.0pt 72.0pt 72.0pt; mso-header-margin:36.0pt; mso-footer-margin:36.0pt; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style> [FONT=&quot]A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]<o

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mansrm81 · Oct 19, 2008

LOL thats a good joke NormCameron :party:

Mr GRiM · Oct 20, 2008

Here is one for you.

Mr GRiM · Oct 20, 2008

Is this too much?

Mr GRiM · Oct 20, 2008

echrada · Oct 20, 2008

xguntherc said:
Why did the woman cross the road....

It doesn't matter, why the hell is she out of the Kitchen.!!!

Norm, I really like your Waist one. thats very good.

Why do women NOT need drivers licenses.
Because it's not a Road from the Bedroom to the Kitchen.!

these are all good. but this is a joke thread.. not all against girls. we might offend a few peeps here. I have very good, but very bad/sexist/racist jokes.
I am NONE of the above, but I know plenty of them.

How did the Shepard find the Sheep in the Tall grass...

Very Satisfying. lol

I don't have to many I can post without getting into trouble. So I'll stop here. and think for clean ones.. lol

If that is not a cya statement then i don't know my a**e from my elbow.

NormCameron · Oct 20, 2008

An old man goes to the Chemists and asks for Viagra.

The Chemist sats "with your extreme age and excessive weight you should avoid too much sex".

The old man says " I don't use it for sex. It helps me see where I'm peeing!"

mansrm81 · Oct 20, 2008

Another good one by NormCameron.

NormCameron · Oct 21, 2008

Some good advice for those seeking to help on the forums

AvatarOfTheShip · Oct 21, 2008

A cop pulls Werner Heisenberg over on the Autobahn and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" and Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am!"

Joan Archer · Oct 21, 2008

Love your survival one Norm, especially as foxhunting is banned over here

NormCameron · Oct 21, 2008

Sometimes I feel like the fox, Joan.

Bare Foot Kid · Oct 22, 2008

Good one, Norm ...

Later

Ted

NormCameron · Oct 26, 2008

Booze is Good for You.

<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CNORMVI%7E1%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CNORMVI%7E1%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CNORMVI%7E1%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><style>  </style> As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in Water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service

echrada · Oct 26, 2008

For Norm and all the other Strailyans

In Strailya...

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. '
Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says,' In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.'

NormCameron · Oct 26, 2008

OOh! Les, I luv it! LMAO :party:

NormCameron · Oct 26, 2008

Economic Models explained with Cows

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force theother to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty
times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
One is mad the other has foot and mouth.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

echrada · Oct 26, 2008

That is excellent.

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