The Joke Thread

[Dwarf]

Hi folks,

Here's a link to a funny site. There's bound to be something there that suits everyones (weird) sense of humour
Dwarf

Funny2

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

Hello Gary, good to see you around again.

That sign is TOO good, best yet!

Hello Dwarf, good link.











Later Ted

 

[locoeng]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal
results.The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'George replies, 'God and I
are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in
the middle of the night to go the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm
done, poof! The light goes off.''Wow, that's wonderful,' the doctor says.A
little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife, Ethel, and says,
'George is doing fine, but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The
light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes
off?''Oh, my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the refrigerator again!'

 

[locoeng]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to
marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each
other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about
each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a
honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off
of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two
and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike
position, at which point he straightened out and cut the
water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down
on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You
see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we
went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing
lengths.

After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool,
lay down on her towel an d was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said,

I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of
the Mississippi .

 

[locoeng]

The Mo-ped

An elderly man on a Moped, Looking about 100 years old, Pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
And asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window
And looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot In his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be
And suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas
And passes the Moped at 275 mph
And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his Mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
All the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
Bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out, And there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows Into the back of his Ferrari, Demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'.

 

[WildEagle]

How man learned to Yodel.

One day during a snowstorm, a salesman stopped at a farm and asked if he could spend the night, on account of the weather.

The farmer said. "Yes, and you can sleep on the couch. One more thing he says, I better not catch you in bed with my daughter."

Come the next morning, the farmer gets up and checks on his daughter, and here he find's the salesman in bed with her. He takes him out, kicks him in the gonads, and then kicks him off a cliff.

As the salesman flies off the cliff he says. "I got Ole Lady too."

 

[locoeng]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was
asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for

possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited
a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

 

[Fumz]

Governmentium

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium' s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

[Bare Foot Kid]

@Fumz, that's good!











Later Ted

 

[johngalt]

O
M
F
G

This is hilarious. I cannot believe I have never seen this comic before.



A couple of other good ones:

 

[johngalt]

I just realized that I can link to the images, so I'll be fixing the above post.

 

[johngalt]

 

[johngalt]

 

[johngalt]

 

[johngalt]

 

[johngalt]

 

[johngalt]

This one is *soooooooo* me...

 

[johngalt]

Yay! 2200 posts!

 

[johngalt]

 

[johngalt]