The Joke Thread

WildEagle · Aug 11, 2008

Jesus is Watching

A man broke in to a house. In this house on a table in a cage was a Mina Bird. Below the table on the floor was a German Shepard.

As the man went through the house, stuffing his sack and pockets with his ill gotten gain, he heard a voice cry out. "Jesus is watching you."

Shining around with his flash light, he spotted the cage and the German Shepard on the floor watching him, showing his teeth and growling.

Ignoring it, the man continued stuffing his pockets and sack with ill gotten gain, when suddenly the voice cried out again. "Jesus is watching you."

Aiming his flashlight at the cage he spotted the Mina Bird and said. "Is that all you can say. Jesus is watching you."

To which the bird replied. "No. Sic em Jesus."

johngalt · Aug 11, 2008

johngalt · Aug 11, 2008

2300 posts - w00t! broke 100 posts for the day....

03hdfatboy · Aug 17, 2008

My yes hurt.. I read the hole thing. :confused:

Axon · Aug 17, 2008

You really like xkcd don't ya!

Can't blame you, awesome comic.

dmex · Aug 22, 2008

hehehe

Dont you hate it when your driving along, smoking a cigarette, and YOU FLICK YOUR cigarette outthe window, and you drive for a couple more kilometers, and you smell something funny, and you look over the back seat, and sure enough Grandmas fingering herself again.....

Oskari · Aug 22, 2008

In a hospital room a dying man is surrounded by his family and friends. The doctor turns from his charts and announces, 'This man needs a brain transplant. It's a new, experimental procedure, but it is covered by your medical insurance. However, you'll have to pay for the brain.'

The family and friends agree to the operation, but the dying man's brother asks, 'How much will it cost?'

The doctor replies, 'I assure you that everything is market value. A PC user's brain is $5,000 and a Mac user's brain is $10,000.'

The brother, his family and friends are perplexed and shocked. Shaking his head, the brother turns to the doctor and asks, 'Why is a Mac user's brain more expensive?'

Matter-of-factly, the doctor replies, 'It's had so little use.'

03hdfatboy · Aug 24, 2008

LMAO

locoeng · Aug 28, 2008

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
.....
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
......
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
.....
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'
.....
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
......
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again.'
......
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
......
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.....
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
.....
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

locoeng · Aug 28, 2008

johngalt said:

LMFAO...I'd try that at home, but my wife wouldn't know what I was talking about.

---------------- Now playing: Smashing Pumpkins - 2001 - Rotten Apples: Greatest Hits Disc 1 - 01 Siva via FoxyTunes

locoeng · Aug 30, 2008

A handful of 7 year old children were asked ' what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching ...........................

7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

7 year old Mellanie - ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

7 year old Sarah - ' My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

7 year old Lilly - ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

7 year old Ethan - ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'

7 year old Shirley - ' I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.'

7 year old Jack - ' My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense
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locoeng · Aug 30, 2008

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen.

The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, 'Ess-tues me, sir?'

'Yes?' replies the clerk.

'Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?'

'Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound.'

'SSit!' The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks, 'Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?'

'Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound.'

'SSIT! tas pensive,' replies the tongue-tied man. 'Welp, how bout your pikanns?'

'Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound.'

'Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen.'

'All right then,' says the clerk as he begins bagging up a pound of pecans..

Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, 'Sirr, I just wanna tay tank you fo not making fun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it.'

The clerk replies with a smile. 'Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody. I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather large nose.'

The tongue-tied guy replies, 'Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your pecker since your nuts are so high.'

Oskari · Aug 31, 2008

What happens when everything is running well...

NormCameron · Oct 14, 2008

ther; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:0 0 0 0 0 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} @font-face {font-family:Tahoma; panose-1:2 11 6 4 3 5 4 4 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-520082689 -1073717157 41 0 66047 0;} @font-face {font-family:"Comic Sans MS"; panose-1:3 15 7 2 3 3 2 2 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:script; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-size:10.0pt; mso-ansi-font-size:10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt;} @page Section1 {size:612.0pt 792.0pt; margin:72.0pt 72.0pt 72.0pt 72.0pt; mso-header-margin:36.0pt; mso-footer-margin:36.0pt; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style>First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist
to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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mansrm81 · Oct 14, 2008

I just can't get enough of that joke normcameron

NormCameron · Oct 14, 2008

You're welcome.

NormCameron · Oct 15, 2008

BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

xguntherc · Oct 16, 2008

Why did the woman cross the road....

It doesn't matter, why the hell is she out of the Kitchen.!!!

Norm, I really like your Waist one. thats very good.

Why do women NOT need drivers licenses.
Because it's not a Road from the Bedroom to the Kitchen.!

these are all good. but this is a joke thread.. not all against girls. we might offend a few peeps here. I have very good, but very bad/sexist/racist jokes.
I am NONE of the above, but I know plenty of them.

How did the Shepard find the Sheep in the Tall grass...

Very Satisfying. lol

I don't have to many I can post without getting into trouble. So I'll stop here. and think for clean ones.. lol

NormCameron · Oct 16, 2008

You are right. As I said in the beginning of the the joke these are "Brave Man" or "Stupid Man" if you prefer. I apologise to peeps who might have been offended. I am not chauvanist and hope the people who visit this board realize that.

NormCameron · Oct 16, 2008

Is this one better??

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

'Hey Koala ! What are you doing?' The koala says: 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says 'Hey you!'

The koala looks down at him and says:

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!'

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