The Joke Thread

[KV43]

A man goes for a few pints at a local bar.

He orders his first pint,drinks it , then looks in his shirt pocket.

He then orders his second pint , drinks it , then looks in his shirt pocket again.

Then he orders his third pint but before the barman give`s it to him he ask`s him why he always looks in his shirt pocket every time he finishes a pint?

The man replied " I have a photo of my wife in my pocket and when she looks beautiful,its time to go home "

 

[idahjo]

Analogy of a Bail-Out

Once upon a time, young Chicagoan named Barry Obama bought a horse from a Mr. Rush Limbaugh for $100.

Limbaugh agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day Limbaugh drove up to Chicago and said, "Sorry Mr. Obama, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Young Barry Obama replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

Limbaugh said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Young Barry Obama said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

Limbaugh asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Young Barry Obama said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Limbaugh said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Young Barry Obama said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A few years later, Limbaugh met up with young Barry Obama at the D.N.C. and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Barry Obama said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

Limbaugh said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Barry Obama said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Young Barry Obama grew up and now works for the government;


( ....The guy who complained about his $2.00 is being audited by the I.R.S. for the next four years!)

 

[echrada]

You're definitely flogging a dead horse!

 

[idahjo]

You're definitely flogging a dead horse!

"Life is just a box of chocolates"; and... "Foolish is as Foolish Does!"

 

[KV43]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."

 

[zberryman]

I'm not married, but I sure got a kick out of this!!!!

bye the way, where did you get that cool picture of yours? I love it! :D

Thanks for the laugh!!!!!

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the
room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and
sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us
in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself
into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20
years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have gotten out
today.'

 

[zberryman]

!!!!

Love it! Love it! Love it! And so true!

Whoever wrote that is brilliant!

Once upon a time, young Chicagoan named Barry Obama bought a horse from a Mr. Rush Limbaugh for $100.

Limbaugh agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day Limbaugh drove up to Chicago and said, "Sorry Mr. Obama, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Young Barry Obama replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

Limbaugh said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Young Barry Obama said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

Limbaugh asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Young Barry Obama said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Limbaugh said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Young Barry Obama said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A few years later, Limbaugh met up with young Barry Obama at the D.N.C. and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Barry Obama said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

Limbaugh said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Barry Obama said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Young Barry Obama grew up and now works for the government;


( ....The guy who complained about his $2.00 is being audited by the I.R.S. for the next four years!)

 

[zberryman]

Why is it?

1. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
8. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
9. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced "onety one"?
11. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
19. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

I've often wondered the same things!!!!

 

[zberryman]

It's 3:20 in the morning, and I can't get off this forum!!!

I'm having so much fun!!!

MORE! MORE! :D :D :D :D

 

[NormCameron]

This is a good way to start a day. A funny read.

Norm

 

[NormCameron]

Norm
​

 

[Joan Archer]

This is a good way to start a day. A funny read.

Norm

Hi Norm you've come through the storm OK hope there wasn't too much damage around you and it's nice to see you're safe and well :D

 

[pooch]

This is a good way to start a day. A funny read.

Norm

Hi Norm you've come through the storm OK hope there wasn't too much damage around you and it's nice to see you're safe and well :D

Whilst looking for info on this storm I found this;

Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...

M0 Tornado - Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.
M1 Tornado - Cows are tipped over and can't get up.
M2 Tornado - Cows begin rolling with the wind.
M3 Tornado - Cows tumble and bounce.
M4 Tornado - Cows are AIRBORN.
M5 Tornado - S T E A K ! ! !

And this;

Funny Real Exam Answers

Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

Don't knock the weather; nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in awhile!

Probably the last completely accurate forecast was when God told Noah there was a 100 percent chance of precipitation.

If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

And now, for your extended forecast: "Foooorrrcaaaasssstt"

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis!

Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get!

 

[NormCameron]

LMAO

Norm

 

[NormCameron]

Re: Why Beer is Good for You

Well you see, it's like this. . .A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.


In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know,excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But, as with the buffalo, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


And that is why you are always smarter after a lot of beers.

Norm

 

[NormCameron]

Re: Men Are Like Cars

Norm
​

 

[Joan Archer]

Nice one Norm :D Reminds me a bit of the Maxine posts a friend of mine in Canada sends me now and then

 

[pooch]

Re: Men Are Like Cars

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Norm
​

Hey Norm, and you can quote me on this one..................Its all true

Pooch

 

[idahjo]

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.

But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?' The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow, 'What is your last request?' The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.' The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully, you d**k head, for the last time........... BRING POSSE!!!!

 

[monopechamp]

very funny good 45 mins ijust had