The Joke Thread

[sassofalco]

Recently i`ve been tempted to install mistress 2009, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if wife 1.0 detects mistress 2009 . It tends to delete all of your money before uninstalling itself

Dear Sir,

We would advise that you wait until mistress 2010 comes out. It is the same as mistress 2009, with the exception that it is able to operate in stealth or invisibility mode. However, you still need to be careful as word has it that wife 1.0 is also going to be upgraded to wife 1.1. It is rumoured that this version of wife will come complete with many new features, including anti-stealth.

Yours sincerely,
Technical Support.

Dear Juan D'Reema,

I am the bearer of both good and bad news for your Technical issue. The good news is that Mistress v2010 will perform extraordinarily well and beyond your expectations, however, your system resources will need a massive upgrade in order to cope with the added and frenetic activity that will result, should you decide to run this Program in conjunction with Wife 1.1.

I'll explain. You see, Wife 1.1 comes with the additional add-on option of Toy-Boy. It has been found that most who install Wife1.1, automatically install Toy-Boy Version 185cm-125kg, to enhance the overall performance of Wife 1.1. Toy-Boy slots into Wife 1.1 with ease, and for that reason, both Programs also accelerate the use of system functions and resources, easily negating the value and service functionality of Mistress v2010.

My recommendation is that you just install Slapper v2008 for use during Conventions and Conferences only, and just stick with what you currently have installed.

Best regards.

Ima Wowzer.
V.P. Entertainments and Customer Relations.
Technical Support Team.

 

[z3r010]

If I could just find the option to turn off the "I want another baby" mode in Wife 1.0 then I would be happy.

 

[sassofalco]

If I could just find the option to turn off the "I want another baby" mode in Wife 1.0 then I would be happy.

Go to -

Tools> Options> Select Tab Audio> Sound Effects> Intense Labour Pains - Groans, Pleadings and Screams [2hrs40mins]> mp3.au

Check box to activate continuous run.

 

[skunksmash]

sassofalco..... were missing ya on the 7 forum mate....


we need the sepoy's guarding our interests over there....





SK

 

[NormCameron]

:D No problem Tony I'll definitely stay sitting down I can laugh then without too much pain

Loved the rhymes Joan, a little confused as I couldn't pick the most romantic line?. I did think you said the first line, but some of the second lines seemed pretty romantic too. (to an Aussie)

Norm

 

[Joan Archer]

:D No problem Tony I'll definitely stay sitting down I can laugh then without too much pain

Loved the rhymes Joan, a little confused as I couldn't pick the most romantic line?. I did think you said the first line, but some of the second lines seemed pretty romantic too. (to an Aussie)

Norm

:D I'm saying nothing

 

[sassofalco]

:D No problem Tony I'll definitely stay sitting down I can laugh then without too much pain

Loved the rhymes Joan, a little confused as I couldn't pick the most romantic line?. I did think you said the first line, but some of the second lines seemed pretty romantic too. (to an Aussie)

Norm

:D I'm saying nothing

........then I'll say it Joan!

That Mate!... Is because in Aussie, Mate!!.... Any statement or invitation to a Sheila, is considered 'romantic', Mate!!.... Examples Mate;

"Chuckus'nuther beer willya luv'!" [= he likes me, he really likes me!]

"Now Doreen.....j'wanna Beer?[common], aura rummin'coke?[classy], aura Woitewoine?[cultured].."

"Hey Mate!...Me missus did th'timin' belt on th'ute in an 'ower t'day.....Mate!" [ultimate indication and concession of affection, said only in company of other Mates].

collective approval is often indicated with a reply by Mates to the effect;

"Awwwww jeez Mate! Y'gotta byoudie there, Mate! Can she do m'Ford t'murra, Mate?"

........every one of them, indicative of romanticism.....Mate!

 

[Joan Archer]

Oh you're such a romantic Tony

 

[KV43]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.


"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?"

 

[sassofalco]

Oh you're such a romantic Tony

Awwwww jeez, Joan! ......don't tell me that you're one of the convicted and transported masses! :huh: I'm delighted that my sweet-talking drew a reply from you.

However to be dubbed 'a romantic' in Aussie, is paramount in derogatorical terms for a Bloke........y'know, it's just one step above being called a 'woolley woofter'!

Aaarrrrrrrrgh!

 

[eggyuk]

Mr Tickle has just got married. He's not happy though. His lovely new wife Tess, refuses to take his name.

Cant think why :huh:

 

[KV43]

A Special Alert For all the Granddads

Do NOT lose your Grandkids​

in the ShoppingCentre​

A small boy became separated from his Granddad

at a large shopping centre.

The Boy approached a uniformed policeman and said,

'I've lost my granddad!'

'The policeman asked,

'What's he like?'

The little boy pondered for a moment and then replied, "Home brew and women with big tits."

 

[Nominativ]

haha i've seen some REALLY good ones

 

[NormCameron]

A Special Alert For all the Granddads

Do NOT lose your Grandkids​

in the ShoppingCentre​

A small boy became separated from his Granddad

at a large shopping centre.

The Boy approached a uniformed policeman and said,

'I've lost my granddad!'

'The policeman asked,

'What's he like?'

The little boy pondered for a moment and then replied, "Home brew and women with big tits."

I didn't know my Grandson was lost!


Norm

 

[KV43]

This is a story about 4 people , named EVERYBODY , SOMEBODY , ANYBODY & NOBODY .
One day there was a job that needed done, and somebody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure somebody would do it, but nobody did it . Everybody got angry because it was somebodys job . Nobody didnt realise that anybody could have done it . It ended up with everybody blaming somebody and nobody doing what anybody could have done .....

I THINK I WORK WITH THESE PEOPLE

 

[MrNeeds]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Bill Gates picks his own punishment[/FONT]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."[/FONT]

 

[NormCameron]

This is a story about 4 people , named EVERYBODY , SOMEBODY , ANYBODY & NOBODY .
One day there was a job that needed done, and somebody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure somebody would do it, but nobody did it . Everybody got angry because it was somebodys job . Nobody didnt realise that anybody could have done it . It ended up with everybody blaming somebody and nobody doing what anybody could have done .....

I THINK I WORK WITH THESE PEOPLE

It's hard to soar like an Eagle when you work with Turkeys!

Norm

 

[Joan Archer]

DISLAIMER: I can't do ANY worse than this:


A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)

Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

 

[eggyuk]

DISLAIMER: I can't do ANY worse than this:


A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)

Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

Groan! I'll still end telling it to people though

 

[KV43]

One for the ladies


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " Liverpool ."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbor's would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
------------ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"