The Joke Thread

Thanks KV43 I like that :)
 

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For You Frequent Flyers Out There

WESTJET


You gotta love the Canadian sense of humour.
West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary , Alberta .
West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want)

passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'
-----------------------
On another West Jet Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said,

'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.

If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
------------------------
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'
'Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much

as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport ,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'
-------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario,

a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.'
-----------------------
From a West Jet Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to Calgary .

To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'
---------------------
'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.

Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.'
-----------------------
'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines.'
------------------------
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing,

please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
-----------------------
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.'
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: 'West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce

that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'
-----------------------------
Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton :

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
------------------------------
Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina , on a particularly windy and bumpy day:

During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina .
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
------------------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
---------------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship

into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer
to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
-------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax , the attendant came on with,

'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
-----------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet Airways.'
-----------------------
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
-----------------------
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude,

the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg toMontreal
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you,
the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!
 

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Re: For You Frequent Flyers Out There

^^ oh that was good , really laughed at some of them , mind you i think i`ve been on some of those flights ;)
 

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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
 

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How a marriage works all men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 differentkinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,India ,etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,


'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't belong, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and tookout 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, D * ckhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A ** hole?'


........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?
 

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That was so humourous KV43.
Such a sad marriage life ! ! !
 

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Which software do God use to upload the Sun every morning???
Ans: Sun JAVA...
 

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Secretary of Defense comes into the Oval Office and tells President Bush that last week, 4 brasilian civilians were killed in Iraq.

W. burries his face into his hands. "How many...." he whispers "how many zeros does a brasilian even have?"
 

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cid:1.2530861365@web96009.mail.aue...yahoo.com


THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers...
Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1
2
3
4
5
6
7

8
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10
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12
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15
16
17
18
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21
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27

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Scroll down
.....................
cid:2...2530861366@web96009.mail.aue.yahoo.com
attachment.gif


TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC
It so easy to amuse people like u.

Norm
 

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:DBloody Hell Norm,

I needed a damn good laugh!:D:D

You delivered.....:D:D:D:D:D:D!
 

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Norm, thanks I can do with a laugh like this now and then, please send abc.
 

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Oh Norm, I don't know where you find them but please carry on that gave me a really good laugh :party:
 

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A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look!
What is your secret?"


image001.jpg

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"?

"Twenty-Five," she replied.


Norm
 

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LOL......:D:D Spoilsport!! :shock:
 

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hysterical.gif Another good one Norm hysterical.gif
 

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A van driver breaks down , so he flags down a passing car and says to the driver "i've got 6 monkeys in the back ,i'll give you £100 if you'll take them to bristol zoo for me ."
The driver agrees, and drives off with the monkeys in the back of his car , 2 hours later the van driver see`s the car driving the opposite way , with the monkeys still in the back!
He flags him down again and says "thought i told you to take them to the zoo!"
The car driver replies "i did , but i still had £30 left so i'm taking them to the pictures now"
 

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted a tenner and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy quid?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, and sex."
 

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Hey nice one KV43! i liked it.
 

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