The Joke Thread

[sassofalco]

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an up date for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage....

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!! That's hittin' a little below the ego......er, belt!!

 

[KV43]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the
billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[Everlong]

Lmao KV43, that's great :D

 

[KV43]

Hey we all need to laugh once a day :D so i try to do my bit to help

 

[NormCameron]

Hey we all need to laugh once a day :D so i try to do my bit to help

And so you do. LMAO

Norm

 

[KV43]

There is not one dirty word in it.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs.. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

 

[KV43]

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went
"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F***OFF!", the dog ate him!"

 

[KV43]

When I woke up this morning and looked out of my bedroom window guess what I saw? A gorilla in my apple tree! Well, I called the zoo and asked them if it was their’s; yep, they’d lost a gorilla. So I gave ‘em my address and they said they’d send someone round in a little while.
Half an hour later this chap knocks on the door, tells me he’s from the zoo. We go into the back garden and I show him my tree (with his gorilla in it!) Zoo-man then goes back to his van and comes back with some stuff: a net, a jack russell and a shotgun. He then tells me the plan...
“I will climb the tree, crawl out along the branch where the gorilla is, and then shake the branch. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the jack russell is specially trained to run across and bite the gorilla in the balls. This will temporarily paralyse the gorilla, giving us enough time to sling the net over him and get him into the van, OK?”
“Er, yes - that all sounds pretty straight forward” I replied
The man from the zoo then started to climb the tree
“I’ve just got one question” I shouted
“What’s that?” said the man from the zoo
“What’s the shotgun for?” I asked
“Well,” he says “if I fall out of this tree, shoot that bloody dog!”

 

[Everlong]

LMAO

Keep 'em coming KV43 :D

 

[KV43]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At one computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because almost none of the controls would operate the same way as in the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.​

 

[KV43]

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

 

[KV43]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won’t be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?


Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

(Wait for it!!)....








The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

 

[Joan Archer]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:




1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was p!ssed.

5.. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to he!l.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

 

[sassofalco]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

I chuckled 'n chortled again 'n again,
I beg you Joan, discard your pen!

 

[Joan Archer]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

I chuckled 'n chortled again 'n again,
I beg you Joan, discard your pen!

Oh I have the strain was too much

 

[sassofalco]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

I chuckled 'n chortled again 'n again,
I beg you Joan, discard your pen!

Oh I have the strain was too much

Regrets Dear Joan about the strain,
I chuckled 'n chortled again 'n again!

Too happy my lines were not in vain,
So sit 'ee down, ' ere be more pain!:D

 

[Joan Archer]

:D No problem Tony I'll definitely stay sitting down I can laugh then without too much pain

 

[KV43]

Dear Technical Support.

18 months ago, I upgraded to girlfriend 1.0 from drinking mates 4.2, which I have used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications , such as lads night out 3.1 , football 4.5 and playboy 6.9.

I tried a shareware program , slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system , forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

I eventually upgraded to fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to wife 1.0 . While wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources , it does come bundled with freesexplus and cleanhouse 2009

Shortly after this upgrade, however I found that wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in wife 1.0`s memory and could not be deleted . They then resurfaced months later and without warning launch turbostrop and multi-whinge

Additional problems are that wife 1.0 needs regular updating requiring shoeshop browser for new attachments and hairstyle express which needs to be reinstalled every other week

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called motherinlaw , which can`t be turned off.

Recently i`ve been tempted to install mistress 2009, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if wife 1.0 detects mistress 2009 . It tends to delete all of your money before uninstalling itself

Help requested please

 

[sassofalco]

:D No problem Tony I'll definitely stay sitting down I can laugh then without too much pain

'Tis pleasure Joan to cause such laughter,
......the greatest risk?.....a move to hereafter!

 

[Dwarf]

Recently i`ve been tempted to install mistress 2009, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if wife 1.0 detects mistress 2009 . It tends to delete all of your money before uninstalling itself

Dear Sir,

We would advise that you wait until mistress 2010 comes out. It is the same as mistress 2009, with the exception that it is able to operate in stealth or invisibility mode. However, you still need to be careful as word has it that wife 1.0 is also going to be upgraded to wife 1.1. It is rumoured that this version of wife will come complete with many new features, including anti-stealth.

Yours sincerely,
Technical Support.