The Joke Thread

[KV43]

Why, Why, Why

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

 

[echrada]

Some newspaper clippings!

 

[Everlong]

A man says to his wife "What would you say if I won the lottery?"

His wife replies "I'd take half the money and leave you."

Man says "Good, I got 3 numbers right and won £10. Here's £5 now f*ck off".

 

[echrada]

I like that one Everlong.:D

 

[garysgold]

a man says to his wife "what would you say if i won the lottery?"

his wife replies "i'd take half the money and leave you."

man says "good, i got 3 numbers right and won £10. Here's £5 now f*ck off".

roflmao.

 

[Everlong]

I'm glad you like it

And that "hippo eats dwarf" article made me laugh, Echrada :D

 

[pacinitaly]

There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen. Over 10000 people were tested to see if they could find the 2 differences between them and only 20 got it. See how observant you are ! You will hear clues a few sec after the images appear, so make sure your speakers are switched on.

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swfhttp://members.home.nl/saen/Special

 

[garysgold]

Good one. Make that 21. LOL.

Gary

 

[pooch]

There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen. Over 10000 people were tested to see if they could find the 2 differences between them and only 20 got it. See how observant you are ! You will hear clues a few sec after the images appear, so make sure your speakers are switched on.

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

Well that one certainly jump started the pacemaker did it have to be so LOUD!!


Thanks Carmine

 

[Joan Archer]

It's a good job I don't have a weak heart, it wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been so loud though. :eek:

 

[pacinitaly]

It's a good job I don't have a weak heart, it wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been so loud though. :eek:

It is a bit loud right? I still got the shakes

 

[pacinitaly]

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

cute sounds hit the

 

[KV43]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... That was me."

 

[NormCameron]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... That was me."

LMAO

Norm

 

[garysgold]

 

[KV43]

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

 

[Nominativ]

LMAO, Nice one, KV43

 

[KV43]

A woman is lying on the examination table at her gynecologist's office.
The doctor enters, takes a peek under her gown, and exclaims, "Holy Crap!"
The woman, obviously concerned that something is wrong, asks, "What's the matter?"
The doctor replies, "It's not worth mentioning."
The woman persists, demanding to know what the doctor's comment was referring to.
He eventually relents, apologizing in advance for any offense that might be taken from his observation.
"I'm sorry Madam, but you have the largest vagina that I've seen in 30 years of practicing medicine."
The woman became outraged, threw on her clothes, and stormed out of his office.
When she got home, she wondered whether the doctor was out of line or not, so she put a large mirror on the floor of the bathroom and straddled it. She is standing there naked, looking down at at the reflection of her vagina in the mirror. "It's not that big!", she thinks to herself.
Just then her husband walks in and says, "What are you doing Dear?"
"Just exercising", she replies.


On his way out the door the husband says, " Ok, but be careful that you don't fall
into that big hole in the floor!"

 

[Gnys]

hahaha
KV43, your a joker!

 

[KV43]

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had
a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy
an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which
came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home,
found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new
pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would
you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?" But
there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and
then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited
a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one
more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house
and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub
and have a drink with me?"



A little voice came out of the box......
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wait for it...it's worth it!!!!
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"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f****ng shoes on".