The Joke Thread

[Joan Archer]

 

[KV43]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

 

[Joan Archer]

Brilliant

 

[KV43]

Two girl friends, a blonde and a brunette, were
walking downtown when they passed the flower shop.
The brunette looked inside and saw her husband
inside buying some roses. "Oh ****," she said, "my
husband is in there buying me flowers again!"
"What's wrong with that?" the blonde inquired,
"don't you like getting flowers?"
"Oh sure," the
brunette replied, "but he always has such big
expectations afterwards and I don't look forward
to spending the next three days on my back with my
legs in the air."
The blonde pondered the thought for a moment and
then asked,.......


"Don't you have a vase?"

 

[KV43]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know,
we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put
on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings
and we're on the fire engine ready to go.





"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I
say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going
to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled,
"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.





When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled
"BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled
"BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

 

[KV43]

two oldmen decide they are close to their last days
and decide to have a last night on the town.
after a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel


the madam takes one look at the two old geezers
and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first
two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
these two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting
two of my girls on them. They won't know
the difference."

the manager does as he is told and the two old
men go upstairs and take care of their business.

as they are walking home the first man says, "you
know, i think my girl was dead!"

"dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"

"well, she never moved or made a sound all the
time i was loving her."

his friend says, "could be worse i think mine was
a witch."

"a witch ??. . . Why the hell would you say that?"

"well, i was making love to her, kissing her on
the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she
farted and flew out the window... Taking my
teeth with her."

 

[KV43]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,'Father,
I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,
This may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.
Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

 

[Everlong]

LMAO KV43, both of them are great :D

 

[echrada]

ADULT CONTENT

The Whys of Men


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know......it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart!
-----------------------------------------------
And another one for the ladies....... One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'


And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: Gay
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death... AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------

​

​

 

[pooch]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,'Father,

Thanks for posting your Jokes are all Fantastic

Pooch

ADULT CONTENT

The Whys of Men

Did I say OUCH!!

 

[love2009]

ADULT CONTENT

The Whys of Men


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know......it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart!
-----------------------------------------------
And another one for the ladies....... One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'


And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: Gay
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death... AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------

That's way to funny

 

[garysgold]

Very funny one and all.

 

[Joan Archer]

My feelings as well I tried to answer this earlier but the site was like walking through molasses so I gave up.
It seems OK now so I can put my reply in.

 

[tanuj_chadha]

LOL

 

[KV43]

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next....."

 

[echrada]

1.

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out.

"Sorry, I can't." he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man comes out of the room and says, "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

2.

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON
you get three meals a day FREE

AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON
you get time off for good behaviour.

AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON
you get your own toilet.

AT WORK
you have to share.

3.

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

4.

Men’s English
[FONT=&quot]What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home![/FONT]



[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[pooch]

Is it just me, or are there more jokes in the E-mail??

Dear pooch,

echrada has just replied to a thread you have subscribed to entitled - The Joke Thread - in the Chillout Room forum of Vista Forums.

This thread is located at:
The Joke Thread - Page 50 - Vista Forums

Here is the message that has just been posted:
***************
1.

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out.

"Sorry, I can't." he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man comes out of the room and says, "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

2.

IN PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON
you get three meals a day FREE

AT WORK
you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON
you get time off for good behaviour.

AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON
you get your own toilet.

AT WORK
you have to share.

3.

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

4.

Men’s English
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!



5.
Unintentional weird URL names
1.A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
Contact Celebrity Agents Lawyers Managers and Publicists - WhoRepresents?com - WhoRepresentscelebrity?com (http://www.whorepresents.com)

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
domain disabled (http://www.expertsexchange.com)

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
Welcome to Pen Island! The best pens on the internet! (http://www.penisland.net)

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
Find a Therapist | Marriage and Family Therapists - [Therapistfinder.com] (http://www.therapistfinder.com)

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com (http://www.powergenitalia.com)

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
molestationnursery.com (http://www.molestationnursery.com)

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
ipanywhere.com (http://www.ipanywhere.com)

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
Cumming First (http://www.cummingfirst.com)

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
Speed of Art website of Nigel Talamo (http://www.speedofart.com)

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
Lake Tahoe lodging, hotels, ski resorts, weddings and vacations - GoTahoeNorth (http://www.gotahoe.com)
***************


There may also be other replies, but you will not receive any more notifications until you visit the forum again.

All the best,
Vista Forums

 

[KV43]

Is it just me, or are there more jokes in the E-mail??

Yeah i got the longer version too :D

 

[pooch]

Is it just me, or are there more jokes in the E-mail??

Yeah i got the longer version too :D

Just as well they are the funniest ones I never thought of internet addresses like that

 

[KV43]

The radio announcer said, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through'.


Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the

odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.'


Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...' Then the

power went out.


Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she says.......'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I

need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?'



With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says... 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'