The Joke Thread

[Nominativ]

Haha nice one, Norm :D

 

[KV43]

A man walked into a bank,got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank.
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses,he turns around and asks the next customer in line.
'Did you see me Rob this Bank?'

The customer replies 'Well, yes!'

The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,

'DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?'

The man calmly responds,




'No, but my wife did.'

 

[KV43]

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of
beer and sticks it on their trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on offer, only £10 for twelve cans!" he explains.

"Put them back. We can't afford it!" insists the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it
on their trolley.

"What d'you think you're doing?" asks the man, indignantly.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

So the man replies:

"SO DOES TWELVE CANS OF BEER . . . AND THEY'RE HALF THE ### PRICE!!"

 

[RemnanteK]

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of
beer and sticks it on their trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on offer, only £10 for twelve cans!" he explains.

"Put them back. We can't afford it!" insists the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it
on their trolley.

"What d'you think you're doing?" asks the man, indignantly.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

So the man replies:

"SO DOES TWELVE CANS OF BEER . . . AND THEY'RE HALF THE ### PRICE!!"

The truth hurts sometimes.

 

[garysgold]

BLONDE FROM MAINE


As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Bruce, it's winter in Maine and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

 

[Joan Archer]

 

[NormCameron]

[FONT=&quot]Dear Advice Guy:[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected that my wife has been cheating on me. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]The usual signs: Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently. When I ask their names, she always says “just some friends from work, you don't know them”. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]But last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3 wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should take it back to the pro[/FONT][FONT=&quot]shop where I bought it? [/FONT]

 

[skunksmash]

lol.....:D



good to see ya norm.....





SK

 

[sassofalco]

Re: Dear Advice Guy: Advice to Norman.

[FONT=&quot]
Dear Advice Guy:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[Second answer below]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[First answer below]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3 wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should take it back to the pro[/FONT][FONT=&quot]shop where I bought it? [/FONT]

Dear Norman,

What a considerate and observant fellow you are. You have all the attributes to endure long and lasting relationships with many and varied women. Blondes will be particularly understanding of your whims, wishes, foibles and inability to 'perform' to any decent level of satisfaction, when it comes to the 'naughty' bits of a relationship......however brief........ And so to answer your questions;

First of all, about that #3 wood. Oh! Nasty, nasty, nasty! Yes that is definitely something that only a professional should handle. This is just the right situation where you allow someone else with nice soft hands and a good firm grip, to actually get to handle and test out 'your woodie'.

And so to the second and less important part. It's great to see in you such an understanding guy, Norman. Fancy having concerns about your wife's style of dress and fashion sense! I suggest that you have a quiet chat with her, and just let her know that you understand that her well endowed chesty bits do tend to get a little 'hot', in a manner of speaking, and need ventilating from time to time. Those 'bubbies' can't stay cooped up all the time you know, and besides, she's obviously quite comfortable with the fact that "If you've got them.......then flaunt them!!"

As to the knickers, well that's a different matter all together. She's obviously putting them on to please you......into a bit of 'Victoria's Secrets' are we?? Hmmmmm!! Why don't you suggest to your sweet wife that if she feels such discomfort in wearing knickers, why bother wearing them at all?? Go on, she'll love you for it!! Having said that, I still can't decide whether she'll feel hotter with them on, or off......there's a real issue there.

So, get your #3 wood sorted, and give it a good try-out with four rounds of golf this coming Saturday and Sunday, and about five hours on the driving, and pitch and putt range.

To help reinforce the advice I've just given you, I firmly recommend that I undertake a full and intense one-on-one 'counselling' session with your little sweetie, say over the coming weekend??

Her contact phone number please, and all the very best Norman.

The Advice Guy.:D

 

[KV43]

Now there is a question you do not get too often... ​

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.





The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

 

[dinesh]

Hey KV43, that was funny.

 

[garysgold]

Rofl.

 

[mansrm81]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I real ly need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ;
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

 

[NormCameron]

They've just posted some photo's of the bird's that bought down the plane on the Hudson River

Norm
​

 

[mansrm81]

Stupid ducks when are they gonna learn not to fly into a jet engine.

 

[sassofalco]

Stupid ducks when are they gonna learn not to fly into a jet engine.

....thems ain't ducks........them's geeses

 

[KV43]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife



that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.



Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.



Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.



About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,



"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.



Could we please do it one more time?"



Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.



Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch



and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.



He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,



"Honey, please... just one more time before I die."



She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.



After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.



Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns,



until he's down to 4 more hours.



He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.



Do you think we could..."



At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris,



I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

 

[NormCameron]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife



that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.



Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.



Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.



About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,



"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.



Could we please do it one more time?"



Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.



Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch



and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.



He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,



"Honey, please... just one more time before I die."



She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.



After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.



Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns,



until he's down to 4 more hours.



He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.



Do you think we could..."



At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris,



I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

OOH! I do like that one.


Norm

 

[sassofalco]

I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

OOH! I do like that one.


Norm

OOH! I do like that one too, Norm. I understand that you're an early riser? Good luck!:D How's that #3 woodie?

The Advice Guy

 

[KV43]

OOH! I do like that one.


Norm

We do try to please :D , and having read through this thread i must say some of yours are absolutely brilliant :D