The Joke Thread

[Dwarf]

God Meets Bureaucracy
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...At this point God created Hell.[/FONT]

 

[pooch]

God Meets Bureaucracy

Nice, but far to heavy for this time of night...........................

Pooch

 

[Dwarf]

That's not fair!
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She asked Ole his occupation. "Diesel fitter", he replied. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The clerk explained: "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Skill!...What skill?" yelled Sven. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I sew the elastic on...[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He pulls on it and says,..."Yep, diesel fitter"".[/FONT]

 

[sassofalco]

God Meets Bureaucracy
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth....... ....[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]...At this point God created Hell.[/FONT]

This is brilliant, and in essence provides us with an answer.

It now seems quite apparent that He encountered similar Bureaucratic obstructions in His efforts to Create Man.........at which point God created Woman.

 

[garysgold]

Rofl.

 

[vdel14]

Not to offend anyone, but I've always loved this one...


An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling)."We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence,
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

 

[echrada]

Vdel that is a great one lmao

 

[mansrm81]

vdel14 that is a good one. LOL

 

[sassofalco]

vdel14....LSHIMMBHSB*DD






*Laughed So Hard It Made My Belly Hurt So Bad!

 

[Dwarf]

Y2K Program
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS). [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'[/FONT]

New Guy On The Job
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"John," the new guy replied.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."[/FONT]

The SUPER Salesman
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"How in the world did you do that?" they asked. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"What's that?" he asked. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"[/FONT]

Little Johnny Crack-up
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Bobby?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him - "I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"And where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
[/FONT]

 

[Lebon14]

Y2K Program
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as 'Millennia Year Application Software System' (MYASS). [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, 'I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.' I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, 'here, stick this in MYASS.' It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, 'Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.'[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]

You have no idea how much I LOL'ED, LMAO'ed, ROFL'ed to this XD

 

[Dwarf]

Florist Mixup
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read: [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]SINCEREST SYMPATHIES[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man. He had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the inscription: [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION[/FONT]

Lipstick
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The corporate boat race
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.[/FONT]



[/FONT]

 

[echrada]

Good ones Dwarf!:D

 

[Joan Archer]

Dwarf is it just me or have you noticed on posts the icon is not showing when a person is online or not, just the x and the wording whether they are online or not. ?

 

[NormCameron]

The Latest "Reason Gone Mad" column "New Years Resolution"

My New Year's Resolutions
by Bill Shein Even though it's tempting, in 2009 I will not convert my PayPal account into a bank holding company so that I'm eligible for money from the government's financial bailout fund.
I will also stop submitting applications for bailout money by claiming to be a representative of "SheinCorp International Bank and Trust," or "CitiShein," or "SheinMu," or "JP Morgan Shein," or "Bill Shein's Poorly Managed Detroit Motors Corporation."
However, if I do secure some bailout money, I will not use it to acquire other banks, enjoy luxury junkets, build a corporate nest egg for some nonspecific future use, or pad my year-end bonus — even though that's what most banks are doing with the money.
In 2009, I will exercise for at least 20 minutes every day. But on days when I don't, I will spend at least 20 minutes remembering, with fondness, any of the times that I did exercise for 20 minutes. And while fondly remembering that past exercise, I will try not to eat an entire bag of honey-mustard pretzel bits, even though 20 minutes is precisely the amount of time it takes to eat an entire bag of honey-mustard pretzel bits. That's according to Wikipedia, and not based on my personal experience. (For more information, see my newly registered Web site at "pretzelbits.com.")
In my work as a political pundit, I will stop using the phrase "game-changer" in every third sentence. Why? Because the existence of a single political pundit who does not use the phrase "game-changer" in every third sentence would itself be a game-changer. Got it?
In 2009 I will expand my efforts to convince America that Facebook was created by extraterrestrials to distract and subdue human beings in advance of the coming alien invasion. I will do this by updating my Facebook status to read, "Bill Shein is busy warning America to stop 'friending' each other and throwing virtual 'snowballs' and, instead, start preparing for the coming alien invasion."
This year I will personally lobby Congress in support of a law that makes unnecessary use of the "Reply All" button punishable by death.
When calling any corporation's customer service line in 2009, I will no longer believe that my call is important to them. Or that "the current wait time is less than two minutes." Or that my question can be answered at the company's Web site. Or that the customer service rep is named "Sam" when his accent suggests he is from a place where not a single person is named "Sam. " Or that I'm about to be transferred to someone who can help me, when, in fact, I'm about to be disconnected.
Once I reach the end of this sentence, and for the next 12 months, I will save money by not registering every Internet domain name that seems marketable, including "seemsmarketable.com," the domain name I registered, in another window, just moments ago.
In 2009, when trying to convince people not to waste their time watching television news (e.g., "It actually removes facts from your brain!"), I will include some easier-to-embrace reasons like, "Anyone who successfully stops watching television news in 2009 will be entered in a drawing to win a new iPod Touch!"
Finally, I will no longer tell people that I'm "a little-known member of the Kennedy family." Some may recall that I make this resolution every year, but it's been difficult to keep, especially now that I want to be appointed to a vacant U.S. Senate seat. Fulfilling this resolution is also made more difficult by the fact that my new wife, who I met last summer in a coffee shop in Hyannis Port, has already legally changed her name to "Mrs. Kennedy." Oops.



Reason Gone Mad by Bill Shein - My New Year's Resolutions (1/1/09)

 

[NormCameron]

Last-Minute Bush Initiatives

Last-Minute Bush Initiatives
by Bill Shein Let's be honest: Sometimes it's hard to keep track of George W. Bush's final, frantic efforts to put his unpopular stamp on every part of American life. So here's a helpful guide to last-minute Bush initiatives that may have slipped past your radar.
(I'll do my best to provide additional updates as Inauguration Day approaches.)
End-of-Term Pardon Processing — To handle the crush of last-minute pardon requests, the Justice Department will soon launch "InstaPardon.com." At this convenient Web site, current and former Bush administration officials will simply enter their White House identification number, provide a mailing address (even if they're in, or headed to, a country without an extradition treaty with the U.S.), and then click, "Pardon Me!" A fully certified presidential pardon will be sent via overnight courier.
Treasury's "Farewell Fun Day" — At some point before Jan. 20, a festive, day-long celebration will be held in a luxurious event hall in the basement of the U.S. Treasury building. Dozens of CEOs from big banks and other financial services firms will enjoy delicious food, fine wine, and access to an unlimited amount of cash from the bailout-authorized "Grab 'n' Go Money Bar." The party will continue until the Treasury is drained of all remaining funds. (Free, late-night flights to Rio available for all attendees.)
Final "Mountaintop Removal Mining" Rulemaking — Not only will mining companies be permitted to chop off the tops of mountains and legally pour the waste into rivers and streams, they will also have the option to dump the waste in the front yard of environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Or, if they prefer, right on top of Al Gore.
Cheney Endorsement-a-Thon — Remember when Vice President Dick Cheney held a campaign event to endorse John McCain just days before the GOP nominee's crushing defeat? Just make a $100,000 donation to the Republican National Committee before Jan. 20 and Cheney will be dispatched to make a high profile "endorsement" of your competitor's product or service. For example: "Hi, I'm Vice President Dick Cheney, here to endorse the fine services of Bob the Plumber." CUT TO: Joe the Plumber arriving for work in a stretch limousine.
Pave Paradise 2009 — Allegedly to "stimulate the economy and create jobs," the president will soon authorize $1 trillion for a massive infrastructure project that will "clear and pave any remaining American forests."
Put Up a Parking Lot 2010 — An additional $500 billion will be spent to "create parking lots on all freshly paved forests."
High-Speed ShredTastic Building Shredder — Even with easy-to-acquire presidential pardons (see above), the amount of paper shredding that must take place before Jan. 20 is truly unprecedented. Fortunately, the Bush administration recently built a giant machine that saves time by completely shredding the entire building in which damaging documents are housed. And, perhaps surprisingly, the machine outputs nothing but fresh air, water, and fluffy little kittens. Go figure.
The Bush Legacy Protection Act — To effectively tie the hands of the Obama administration, the president recently issued a directive that permanently sets the annual budget of the entire executive branch at just $9.95. Another executive order requires the permanent removal of all pens, pencils, and other writing implements from the White House "until the end of time." This will prevent President Obama from signing anything that would reverse or overturn anything Bush has done.
The New American Bushionary and Thesaurus — New regulations pursuant to the Patriot Act will require Merriam-Webster and others to update certain definitions and synonyms to comply with Bush-era activities. For example, "humble foreign policy" now means, "Tragic, super-ironic phrase implying the broad, almost indiscriminate, entirely unnecessary use of military power." And the definition of "compassionate conservatism" will now forever be, "The warm, loving embrace of high-net-worth individuals by their government."

Reason Gone Mad by Bill Shein - Last-Minute Bush Initiatives (11/23/08)

 

[sassofalco]

Re: Last-Minute Bush Initiatives

Now ain't that the truth!!

 

[NormCameron]

So bad it might be good

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.



This made him .....


A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Norm

 

[NormCameron]

There's a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, 'Jesus, I am really lucky to be alive!'

Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, 'I can't believe I survived this wreck!'

The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and says, 'You know, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals.'

The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, 'You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck.'

So the Scotsman pops open his boot and finds a full unopened bottle of Whisky. He says to the English fella, 'I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship'.

The Englishman says, 'You're damn right!' and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Whisky. After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, 'Your turn!'

The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, 'Nah, I think I'll wait for the police to show up.'


Norm

 

[smarteyeball]

lol