Policies

[Dwarf]

New Company Policies

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

 

[Brink]

ROFLMAO, Dwarf that is great. Doesn't it just seem to be true though.

The image link is broken though.

 

[z3r010]

I cant see it either.

 

[roy69]

Dwarf, try logging in as a guest to check the link is working. I sometimes have my laptop connected to the site to check my own post if it contains links that I have posted from my main computer.

 

[Dwarf]

Hi Roy,

This sub-forum is only available when you are logged in.

 

[Brink]

LOL, I see the image now. Looks about right.

 

[Dwarf]

MEMORANDUM
Due to the increasing federal budget deficit, the following policies have been established regarding employees traveling on official government business.

TRANSPORTATION
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is the preferred choice. Fluorescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on government business trips. Bus transportation will be used whenever hichhiking is not possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Vancouver, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Montreal, then the meeting will be relocated to Montreal.

LODGING
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives, friends, or mere acquaintances while on government business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks, roadside rest stops, and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges and tunnels may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

MEALS
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as Loblaws, often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can frequently be consumed in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigeneous roots, berries and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost-effective to employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on government business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparations.

ENTERTAINMENT
Entertainment while on travel is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on diplomatic contacts, international visitors should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such action will save the taxpayers money and also convince foreign diplomats that we are concerned about spending money on effective government, not on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to diplomats who visit our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of lavish dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the rear parking lot near the dumpster and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshments can be provided for our guests.

 

[roy69]

Hi Roy,

This sub-forum is only available when you are logged in.

I must admit, I have never tried to get into the chillout room as a guest.

 

[sassofalco]

New Company Policies

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-$47.95..... minus$47.95!! Because of all the Coffee that I have during the day, that's how much my take-home pay isn't.......and I take my own Coffee Cup and Toilet Paper!!

Hey! I'm paying them to keep me employed!!

Implement this salary structure on Wall Street,immediately! :sa:

 

[Brink]

ROFLMAO, this is great Dwarf. Talk about your slave labor.

 

[sassofalco]

ROFLMAO, this is great Dwarf. Talk about your slave labor.

Slave Labour? Did I hear someone mention Slave Labour???

Having experienced the benefits of their services well beyond the day that the sun set on "The British Empire", I can thoroughly recommend the honour, loyalty and dedication that a Troop of Sepoys give unanimously [apart from the infrequent mutinies], and unceasingly to their "Esteemed Sahib"..........and all to be had at ₨145 per day, plus dhal, roti, rice and water, daily.

They've never had it so good!! Damned fine Chaps! Capital!!:D

 

[Brink]

Lol.

 

[Dwarf]

Do you consider yourself to be managerial material? You do? Then please take this test:

SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL

This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel to various situations. The situations are based on actual case studies from a well known educational institution and represent a cross-section of test data correlated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations as well as the soundness of each decision selected.
There are 8 multiple choice questions. Read each question thoroughly. Place an "X" by the answer you feel is most correctly justified by the circumstances given. Be prepared to justify your decision. If you are unable to make an "X" because your pencil has become too dull, please ask a proctor for assistance. A sharp stick will be provided to assist you in gaining the attention of the proctors.

You have 4 minutes

(Do not turn this page until told to do so)

1. You have prepared a proposal for the regional director of purchasing of your largest customer. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your sales to his company by 200%. In the middle of your proposal the customer leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee. You:
   1. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
   2. Ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases.
   3. Take a leak in his "out" basket.
2. You are having lunch with a prospective customer talking about what could be your biggest sale of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in your motel. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as your client's daughter. Your next move is to:
   1. Ask for her hand in marriage.
   2. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
   3. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best.
3. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to pass out. What you should do next is:
   1. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
   2. Point out their chief executive and accuse him of the offense.
   3. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
4. You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a No-No, you:
   1. Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion, bury your finger in your nostril right up to the 4th joint.
   2. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
   3. Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose on your sock.
5. You've just spent the evening with a supplier who invited you to an all night boilermaker drinking party. You get home just in time to go to work. You stagger to the men's room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you're washing up at the sink, the sales training director walks up, blows cigar smoke in your face, and asks you to join him for a drink after work. You:
   1. Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Hart Schaffner & Marx suit.
   2. Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the fact that he'll never recognize your green face.
   3. Grasp his hand and pump it till he wets in his pants.
6. You are at dinner with a customer and his wife, who looks like the regional runner-up in the Lassie look-a-like contest. Halfway through dinner you feel a hand on your lap. If you are resourceful you will:
   1. Accidently spill hot coffee in your lap.
   2. Slip a note to the waiter to have your customer paged and see if the hand goes away when he does.
   3. Excuse yourself and go to the men's room. If he follows, don't come out until you have a signed order.
7. You're on your way to see your best account when your zipper breaks and you discover that you forgot to put on your underpants that morning. You decide to:
   1. Call on the customer's secretary instead.
   2. Explain that you were just trolling for queers.
   3. Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the school playground.
8. You've just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
   1. Ask what position she played.
   2. Ask if she's still working the streets.
   3. Pretend you're suffering amnesia and don't remember your own name.

(Close booklet at this time and wait for a proctor to collect all items before leaving the testing center. Do not continue poking proctor with sharp stick after test forms have been collected.) Good luck with your educational pursuits. Your scores will be mailed to you in approximately 360 weeks.

 

[sassofalco]

Do you consider yourself to be managerial material? You do? Then please take this test:

SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL

:D Yet another 'little rippa' from the poison pen of the 'Great Ankle Biter'!!
........Cambridge or Oxford???

 

[NormCameron]

And the Dwarf, weary after his hard days work mining the web, contemplates another task done to perfection

Norm