Humorous Anecdotes

[Dwarf]

Here is a collection of humerous anecdotes. Please feel free to add your own.

Albert Einstein
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

High Legal Bill
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"I was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. I walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. I got close and saw it wasn't you. - $50.00."

Small Change
A man walked into a convenience store, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Bathroom Commode

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous...even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely, (Campground Owner)
​

 

[Joan Archer]

Brilliant Dwarf especially the lady and her BC :D

 

[Everlong]

Haha, the Einstein and BC one were great.

 

[Bellerophon]

The Chilli Contest

Check this one out, love it.

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST


If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike’s Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 – (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 – Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 – (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3 (Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 – Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 – A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 – (Frank) Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba’s Black Magic)

Judge # 1 – Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 – I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda’s Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 – Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 – Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 – I shat myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



Chilli # 7 (Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 – A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 – Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 – (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Sod it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy’s Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 –This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chilli?

 

[Dwarf]

That's a good one, Bellerophon :D
Shawn, do you know anything about this? I think it's from your neck of the woods

 

[Everlong]

I've read that Chilli contest one before, but it always cracks me up. Choked on my drink while reading it :D

 

[eggyuk]

Just read the chilli one at work. Tried as hard as I could to keep the laughs in but they kept escaping in wierd squeaks and snorts. Got some funny looks from my collegues in the office but by the last one I gave up trying to stiffle the laughs and just let them flow.

 

[Bellerophon]

The Photo at the side of the Bed

Here's another one to hopefully make you smile. This one's more of a chuckle than a sidesplitter but still funny (in a sick way).

[FONT=&quot]After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her bedside cabinet.


He begins to worry.


"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.


"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.


"That's me before the surgery."[/FONT]

 

[garysgold]

Roflmao :D

 

[eggyuk]

Re: The Photo at the side of the Bed

[FONT=&quot]"That's me before the surgery."[/FONT]

Wrong. Just plain wrong.

 

[Joan Archer]

The chilli one was sent to me a few years ago by a Texas friend of mine and it always cracks me up when reading it, I daren't show it my husband too much as it has a bad influence on his health when reading it :D

 

[Dwarf]

Here are some more.

England fans stranded in one way street
Two English football fans in Cologne lost their car after mistakenly thinking they had parked it on a road called 'One Way Street'.
The pair wrote down 'Einbahn Strasse' - which means one-way street in German - so they didn't forget where they'd left the hire car.
But when they came to find it again they found that every second street in the inner city was called 'Einbahn Strasse'.
It was only when they found a policeman that they were told the sign was to inform drivers that they were on a one-way street.
They finally managed to find their vehicle hours later with the help of the German police.

Out of office reply on road sign
A council put up a Welsh-language road sign reading: "I am out of the office at the moment."
Swansea Council contacted its in-house translation service when designing a bilingual sign barring heavy goods vehicles from a road, reports the Daily Telegraph.
But as the translator was not available, they received an automated e-mail response in Welsh saying: "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated."
Unaware of the real meaning of the message, officials had it printed on the sign under the English, which correctly reads: "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only."
A Swansea Council spokesman said: "We took it down as soon as we were made aware of it and a correct sign will be installed as soon as possible."
Welsh-language magazine Golwg printed photographs of the offending sign after the gaffe was pointed out by readers.
Managing editor Dylan Iorwerth said: "We have been running pictures of this kind of thing over the past few months.
"It's good that people want to have bilingual signs, but unfortunately they don't make sure someone with a real knowledge of Welsh checks the work through all the different stages.
"As in this case, there can be a terrible mistake."

The New Boss
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[Barman58]

Hi Dwarf,

this is a famous mis-translation

and still makes me smile

Of all the poorly translated signs that can baffle English-speaking visitors to China, this one takes the cake for the most epic of all possible fails. And, as Dear Jane Sample notes, it’s also a good reason to invest in something more than a Web-based translator.

 

[eggyuk]

My local rugby team used to play their home games on the local prison's pitches. One game the referee manages to lock his keys in the car. One of the prison staff turns to him and tells him not to worry because they have a professional car thief in the prison. He calls him over and tells him to get the refs keys out of the car. The prison looks around a bit, bends over and picks up a rock which he then hurls through the car window, reaches through the now shattered window and picks the keys up. He tosses the keys the ref and walks back to his cell to howls of laughter from the players of both sides.

 

[garysgold]

Good one.

 

[Dwarf]

Dead Husband's Email
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper, on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

To My Dear Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
PS. Sure is hot down here.

Credit Balance
In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.
He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY cheques from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

 

[Joan Archer]

Oh I liked that one Dwarf, the first one I'd seen before but the last one was a gem :D